PRO CONe 33 ((>censored p.x.f. 986437/3-AZ)
I`m at the crossroads. On one hand I`m this new-born proper member of the society, on the other I am a junky , an x-criminal and an extremist, who wished the society a soon end. This dilemma may prove to be a more difficult one, than my personal war on drugs, seeing that it is a part of the personality crisis that I should be going through. Doing drugs largely defined me, even influencing my political convictions. Calling it a crisis may be too harsh, but:
I still am a guy believing in the complete legalization of all the narcotics and that it will not escalate the drug problem- quite the opposite. I believe in all sorts of conspiracy theories, such as the US secret service being responsible for the 9/11 terror attack, as well as Russians staging something similar to justify the war in Chechnya. I`m concerned about the imperialistic ambitions behind the Globalization. I believe in the UFOs cover up and in governments attempts to fully control us. On the personal level, I enjoy the world, where there is a place for Satanists, punks, hippies, graffiti artists, anarchists, prostitutes, drug users, alcoholics, madmen and the prophets of doom (interestingly the spell check on my PC has the Satanists as the only word from the list beginning with a capital letter). Musically speaking- imagine the proper world as an FM radio station, playing the easy listening- well I miss the hard core industrial techno, for example. Something to wake you up from the lethargic driving, where the automatic cruise control has taken over. The Christian view of the perfect world worries me more than the World War 3, however I utterly enjoyed the Christian paranoia presentations on the You Tube, seeing the alien takeover of the planet, the number of the beast concealed in just about everything from the Coke to the Disney logotypes and the demonic shape shifters on the TV, showing their true faces once the playback is slowed down and heavily pixilated. I don`t believe in any of that, but I like anything that is out of the ordinary, as I`m sure you do too.
The very word “normal” evokes a negative reaction in me, while unless it says “controversial” in front of the news headline- I am hardly interested. Will the day come, when I will have to pick sides, be it only within myself; has the day come already? I stood at the barricades in Moscow, protesting the communist takeover-91, but I have also supported the commies, during the Gothenburg riots. Is it the need to fight that inspired me, instead of some true convictions? It seems that I instinctively believe that the majority is always wrong. Anyway- the underground, independent, controversial, provoking and “anti” gets diluted, sweetened, packaged and sold to the masses, hardly having the time to bask in its oppositional spirit. Being radical is far from as radical as it`s used to be or maybe to be rebellious is no longer enough to wear a short skirt or have a tattoo. Dividing and conquering has been replaced with assimilating and ridiculing. If you can`t beat them- join them and when you can not- make a monkey out of them, such is the case with the whole Muslim world. What is the first picture in your head, when you hear a word “hippie” or “muslim”? It`s hardly the deep philosophical thinking, spirituality or a rich culture. Try now naming the main reasons for some of their more extreme actions- theese must be some good ones,considering the risks taken. I`ve got nothing, except for the Bush`s “jealousy of our way of living”. Really? How about all those kids, fighting the cops, demonstrating, risking imprisonment and bodily harm?
-Something about the vegetables, I think- we shouldn`t kill the tomatoes or something…
I never really was a hardcore anything, (except maybe a dopehead) having the opposite worlds at a relative peace coexisting within me. I`m a refugee, but I am from Moscow, so I am European, never really experiencing the second class citizen status. I was an outlaw, but I wasn`t robbing or committing acts of violence, neither have I considered myself to be a criminal. I was a junky, but I am sober now. I am an anarchist and an ultra liberal, but I am not a revolutionary. The “squares” seem to compose a silent majority as it has always been, yet they are long from being as square in their views as in the 50-es, for example.( I`m talking about Europe- USA may be a whole different story.) Am I becoming one of “them”? My believing in the Brave New World may be inherently self contradictive, since it cannot stay new for long and is becoming less and less brave as well as if it was to succeed it would become what it was fighting against- the mainstream. Picturing the world of the small peaceful communities, recycling, meditating and for the kicks enjoying an occasional session of the acupuncture or smoking grass gives me the shivers. Yet this is what I was once fighting for. Be careful what you wish for- it may come true, indeed. I would have been so miserable in this Hippie Disney World, where everyone is happy.
I shouldn`t underestimate the value of the rebellion, and I hope we will never see the day, where a total agreement, understanding and inner peace rules. But you knew that already- Paradise on Earth would mean the end of evolution, thus robbing the life of its main purpose. Many, especially in the USA believed that the high suicide rate in Sweden was due to the bad weather and long winter nights. I`m sure it was the result of coming too close to a society without a conflict or a struggle. So, I guess the trouble makers, the outlaws, the rebels, the extremists not only keep us on our toes, but may even have saved a few lives. I know it has saved mine. During one point, when I was doing drugs more than ever, I felt suicidal as my life had absolutely no meaning. Rejoining the “rebel army”, brought some sense to it all, even partially justifying my drug abuse. You may say, that my disillusionment was the result of the drug abuse, but then we would be on the chicken or the egg rhetoric again.
My ability to validate any sorts of behavior, through the logic and reasoning, could have created a perfect defense lawyer or a mass murderer. I should be able to excuse myself from any sense of guilt or moral responsibility. Luckily it doesn`t work on me, seeing my own b.s. However sometimes I was sold completely, when it comes to drugs. I`m sure many of my chemically inclined comrades would find this way of thinking familiar, when planning a relapse…
a) It is more harmful to suffer, than to indulge myself in the little something this once
b) I deserve a little break
c) It would be a good way to show myself how far I`ve progressed in my sobriety
d) It would be a good preparation for the real life situations
e) It`s a good confirmation of my will strength, leading to a better confidence
f) I have to get it out of my system, before it takes over and leads to bigger problems
g) Others have done it and they are alright
h) I can`t afford to continue this anyway
i) I`ve grown allot stronger now, so this is far from being as dangerous for me
j) It is a natural part of the healing process and its only human
k) I wanna!
l) I can`t find nearly as many reasons not to do this, so it must be valid
m) It`s now or never.
I can continue and I`m sure you have a few of your own. This is something anyone can relate to, having learnt it from an early childhood, I`m sure. What I found to be different from many others is the ease with which I can apply this kind of reasoning to almost anything. I enjoyed being the Devil’s advocate, believing it to be an expression for empathy and a forgiving nature, while in fact it was amongst other a manipulative quality. Luckily I`m not THAT good, since I`ve been jokingly called a demagogue by my parents as a kid, when trying to justify, excuse, motivate and convince to get my sugar fix for example. Still I`ve managed to persuade my Mother over a period of two years, that many of the drugs are not only rather harmless, but actually relatively beneficial, despite what she has heard all her life. She ended up trying everything at least once, including the heroine. While she enjoyed some of the drugs, I knew that there was no real danger, such as her getting addicted, since I was the only available source. For me it was a way to start doing drugs openly at the same time bringing some much deserved fun into her life.
Every time she heard about the dangers of one drug or the other, I`ve managed to come up with some elaborate reason for “them” to create the disinformation, that she heard. My conspiracy theories, concerning the politics of money and greed were at times so convincing, that I believed in them myself. The truth, mixed with the half truths and a pinch of creative statistics.
Statistics in general can do magic, when brainwashing someone and the best part- you don`t even have to lie. Statistics must be the most deceitful way of conveying a piece of information there is. Unless you are told how, where, when, from whom, by whom and with what agenda, at what time of day, in what weather and in what political and social climate the statistics were obtained- they have rarely of any true value, unless dealing with things, where the human factor is irrelevant. Besides, what meaning does it have if 99,99% of something is one way, when you find yourself another? I`ve realized it quite early and loved to play with numbers when it came to everything drug related, comparing different drugs to the alcohol, cigarettes and pharmaceuticals, for example.
2B CONTINUED
