DRUGS A-Z

This was the great fall- the original sin. It wasn`t the Adam and Eve`s “doing it” in the bushes.  As we still decide if sodomy, masturbation or bestiality are the sins of the downfall- it is the ultimate act of defiance that ticked of the creator. If there ever was One. Though may rob, kill and pillage in the name of Christ, but (literally) god forbid- take the matters into our own hands.

It begun with the greatest of the god’s angels: Lucifer.  A highly misunderstood persona: he wasn`t trying to take over the gods throne- he merely fought for the independence. He considered himself an equal of the creator.  If the “holy” book has taught us anything it must be that the history repeats itself. Replace the all mighty with the Social Democrats and blasphemy shall be replaced with the “anarchism”, as if the latter is something negative.

Even the most clever of the modern minds have said that “to change the world you must change yourself first”. Seriously? If I want to change the world, but choose to follow the wise advise and change myself first- wouldn`t I simply be adapting?  Once I have changed myself (adapted) - I would not want to change the world any longer.

I think the food costs way too much. I want to change the economy! –

-No, dear. Change your diet first.

-Hey- you are right! Now that I eat rise 3 times a day- I am not that hungry anymore! Eating chicken was wrong anyway- they are our sisters and brothers anyway. Thank You!

I reflected, being high on several drugs at once. Isn`t it precisely what we do, when we take a pain killer or a prescribed mood elevator?  We are taking the matters in our own hands on one hand- on the other we are adapting to the state, where nothing else matters. This is a first draft- let me at it, because there is some truth lying in it.

 There is not a problem in this whole universe that cannot be solved chemically.  The perception is reality and perception is controlled chemically. Signal substances and the hormones can change red into green and hot into cold. We perceive things through the chemical reactions in our brains…

And if there was such a thing as an “unsolvable” problem, it would be a strong indicator for increasing the dosage.

You can solve a problem in several ways:

1.  It’s some scary nasty shit that you have to do, which goes right against your principles.  Though shall not borrow, unless you can pay or though shall not steal half a grilled chicken in the supermarket…  

Solution: tranquilizers and/or alcohol. Something in the tranquilizers, that shuts off the part of the brain that is responsible for thinking about consequences, having moral values, remorse, compassion… Gone!

2.  You got to do it, but you just don`t want to.

Solution:  being the most common type of a problem, luckily it has a broad range of solutions. Depending on your tolerance level- painkillers, tranquilizers, amphetamines, GHB, GBA, GBL, Cocaine, Crack, Crank or even alcohol:  are the examples-, when righteously dozed are both inspirational and  generally uplifting.  Amphetamines work both as a motivator and the physical pick me up, needed to go out there and pay the bills.  Or look for a job. Or do stuff…

3.  There is a dead relative, your girlfriend dumped you, you are homeless- in other words there is a pile of problems that you can`t do a thing about.

Solution: this is the ultimate one- it is good for all and any problem, including the global warming, WW-III and that weird rush you got on your vein track. 

 The Opiates.  You may not have noticed, but morphine, fentanyl, opium, heroine, subutex, methadone, etc. don`t really take the pain away: you just no longer give a crap about it.

4.  BORED.  The root of all evil?  No, but it’s it`s the one, that any of my 30 chemicals is solvable by.  Be it a chemical to kill the worms in cats (yes, the cat deformer) or a thing that they strip the paint from the graffiti walls with- be it gasoline, ether, acetone, glue, a solvent, butane…. You won`t be bored.

5.  There are some minor problems in life left then?   As the modern medicine can do more or less whatever…  Are you not a loving husband? - 1 table spoon of GHB after lunch!  You are a selfish lover: 0,3g MDMA.  Are you boring? 0, 2 cocaine every 45-50 minutes, Lazy: amphetamines, a coward:  booze. There are even prescription medicines for the rest.

*The most addictive drug ever:  DEXOFEN 75 st white pills (about 20 times the prescription doze, but I just liked them so much…). 

You know how I`ve mentioned opiates being the “don`t give a fuck” drug? Well- the dexofen is like all that- a complete body and soul anamorphosis. I remember myself standing in front of the mirror, squeezing a pimple. At one point I`ve realized as in a scene from the “Exorcist”, that I`ve penetrated my skin and was more or less digging into the flesh with blood running down my cheek. That was the holy grail of the escapism. In some perverted way I felt liberated from the restrains of the physical body- there was no pain. Neither physical nor emotional- no matter what.  No fear, no pain.

There is a meteorite swooshing towards the Earth at sickening speeds Armageddon is coming:

Solution: 0, 15 poor quality heroine intravenously, the rest smoked.   

Result: it flew by e extremely close by, causing tsunamis and major earth quakes.  You were sleeping meanwhile.

See my point? I am sure you don`t. Either you`ve decided that I am glorifying drugs or have sold my soul to Satan.

In which case: read again.

What is the theoretical difference between us and the creator (god/goddess/gods)?

1. Ability to create/destroy, control and manage life.

-If we cannot do it yet, it`s only a matter of years. Genetic manipulation, anyone?

2. Control our emotions, feelings, intelligence- the things less tangible, yet the only ones that matter?

-2mg diasefedrin-hydrofenitolatinochloride after each meal.

There are the side effects, of course. There is a pill for those as well.  That is what being in control is about- dealing with those. Without a psychosis or a failing liver, it wouldn`t be much of a struggle. And as we all know: no pain no gain.

What the heck are you on about? - You may righteously ask.

Being an atheist, I still believe that the theological mythology has its historical grounds. I have mentioned that I believe that the apple of the Garden of Eden was a psychedelic fruit (idea much older than me) - the idea that I am pushing now however that is the story did not end there. Mind you- I am not propagating the drug use, just acknowledging it as the ultimate tool of life management.  My point is simply saying a few words against the hypocrisy. Drugs produce an excess of the naturally occurring chemicals in the brain, so do certain activities or the socially excepted drugs or certain types of behavior. We just can`t stand being as we are all the time. The “natural” state is the unnatural one. Everything else is just the time spent struggling to achieve those exceptional moments.   Just like gray is not a color, it is something that we spend lifetimes to color us out of. See what I mean? Even the most noble of the practices, such as the tantric sex, yoga or meditation are about mind alteration. Once we accept this side of our nature, I believe we can begin a new stage in our evolution.

Out matrix of being popular, healthy and rich has led one celebrity after another to insanity or suicide.     Seemingly we just can`t stand being in our own skins.

Also- remember:  aspirin, ethanol, caffeine, sugar are all the drugs that directly alter our reality. The indirect ways may include bungee jumping, gambling, sex, racing cars: basically any pleasure seeking.

I`ve heard an ex-cop tell: “Majority of the police joins the force for some idealistic and quite noble reasons. It lasts a few weeks, until it becomes a chemical dependency. The adrenaline rush, while making a bust can only be compared to the crack or meth injection and as with those drugs, the tolerance develops quickly. It is no longer enough to apprehend a disorderly drunk. Car chases, violent resistance, shootouts… Unless you get your fix- you just don`t feels right: depressed, irritated…”

We are the chemical beings, living in a chemical universe (we are made of stars, if you please). At the moment we have our socially accepted ways of altering our consciousness, while others are punishable by the law.

I`ve gone past comparing nicotine to marijuana- it goes deeper than the health issues. It`s a matter of time, before we can stimulate the dopamine receptors electrically or use the virtual reality as the ultimate escape.

Will we be then in the same place as the mythology`s Lucifer was once at? Having the “higher” authority telling us how far we can go?

Though shall not kill! Unless you are “eliminating an enemy threat”.

Though shall not steal, unless you are in a lucky position of having the right to pillage the natural resources.

Though shall… well- it all depends whom you ask, right?

We may not be the fallen angels and the authority is no longer resides in heaven, but the story is millennia long.

Thing is that the time to question is now. It has always been, but the god is dead and there are the new ghosts to battle.

I`ve  often said that no one has died of  LSD, which is true. Except for the legendary CIA`s  members suicide (Read the older chapter ”It`s all in your head”) My perception is that it`s a drug  worth taking a risk for, considering the gain.  As the more intelligent or artistically inclined you are, probably the more insights you may gain, but it even can be an excellent gain for even the most lost of the souls, such as a violent criminal or a “suit”. 

Remember never to take it if you have or had ANY medical mental problems.  LSD may trigger a relapse.  Take LSD/mushrooms with the people you love and only in the most comfortable of the settings, where you don`t have to worry about anyone coming in on you (say parents). You may have trouble communicating with any of the people, who haven`t taken it, while under the influence.  Take it out in the nature on a perfect day, preferably in a garden with a lot of flowers. Take some time to take in the divine beauty of the ”gods” creation- many have chosen to turn vegetarian and spiritualistic after only one trip.  Do not underestimate the value of a ”bad trip” though, it may be a nightmarish deep look at yourself and your values and the world around you.  You may realize that you forgot about all the important things in life and stuck in the rat race, making money for some chief.  You may see how cruel were you to your wife or that you`ve neglected your child. Often you are rewarded with a feeling of divine love and peace at the end of even a heavy trip. LSD was used to successfully treat alcoholics and violent people, but I would advise against it- not without a knowledgeable therapist. And as with everything- don`t abuse it, despite it being non addictive and losing its potency/effect – different people are very different, so take it easy.

However  it is not a victimless ”crime”, as I thought it to be may be.  I`ve managed to forget  Sid Barrett from Pink Floyd.  After taking 300 LSD tabs (read 600-900 doses at the present day potency!) It was said the best by the great band themselves in their tribute song  ”Shine on you crazy diamond!”

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,

blown on the steel breeze.

Come on you target for faraway laughter,

come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,

rode on the steel breeze.

Come on you raver, you seer of visions,

come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!!!

Video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNhHV03vVCk  (Sid`s first trip)

Mind you, they  sang about the result of his state as being ” You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom  you reached for the secret too soon”. , but the LSD overdose was definitely the trigger of him landing in this state permanently, until he died at the age of 65 and this, I`m sure describes his state well:  ”Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light”   

This quote speaks to me literally, by the way: ”… you raver, you seer of visions,  you piper, you prisoner . J

So yes- take it as a sacrament as a greatest teaching and a revelation- with the deepest respect.

Well…
Thanks first of all for still checking the page out- I have been neglecting it for a while, but I was keeping myself busy working and having a flew…

Oh yeah!
I gave an interview today to one of the Swedish national radio stations (P3). The heavily edited/shortened version of what I`ve said was included in the evening news under ”The New Governmental Program, aimed at keeping the youth from joining the criminal gangs”.  I was not censored, mind you- just heavily clipped, on the audio editing table and despite my denying it 3 times, during the interview, I was presented as “Alexei, an ex-gangster”.
I was asked:
-What do you think about this new government program?
And here is what I answered (slightly polished and translated from a poor Swedish into a half decent Englih)
- First of all this government`s attempt at occupying the youth in order to keep them from the drugs and crime is nothing new- it has been done over and over again and I`ve participated in it, forced to take part in the artificially created “jobs” for the existential minimum (welfare) money. My guilt of being a drain on the society and feeling of being worthless, was reinforced by the fact, that I was contributing absolutely nothing by spendind 8 hours/day doing… I`m not sure what:
 My “job” was to glue together wooden planks- hours on end, day after day, in order to keep me from doing/selling drugs, as a part of my rehabilitation program. I was producing the low quality parts for a furniture company. Parts that were never to be used.  Something that a conveyer belt, a production line machine would do 100 times faster and with a superior quality. My work was pointless. The absence of meaning is what drove me to the heavy drug abuse and I was finding myself stuck in doing something just as pointless as I considered my life to be, prior to this “occupational program”. It was a question of time, before I was back to my old ways with a vengeance, even more disillusioned and angry, than before. So it all depends on how this program will be applied this time.

P.S. Was scanning through the pictures, that I`ve published a while ago, when I`ve noticed a “Scientology” banner. Just so that you know:  I am in no way promoting them, the same is true about any and every add published on this blog. IF anything is to be ever sold/advertised here: it will be done first and foremost through my mentioning a product or a service in one of the chapters, after I have tried and approved it.

DRUG A-Z

The intro.

I`ve never have properly introduced the whole blog, have I?  Now I`m planning a major reorganizing, editing and changing the whole feel and the look of the blog- it will be packed with photos, acting as the illustrations for the chapters. There will be a bit less of the ”free consciousness flow” and more of the shorter paragraphs, right to the point.  I will still pursue the two major ideas though, that the whole”Drugs A-Z” is all about:

1.    Drugs, chemicals, signal substances, addictions, pleasure seeking, religion, art, music, politics, feelings, mental disorders: everything is one way or another connected to the drugs/altered state of mind or as I`ve called it: we live in a Dope Civilization and it becomes as such more and more as the time progresses. From the children popping prescription amphetamines, tranquilizers and anti depressants, to the greatest works of art, music, literature, philosophy or the political movements being born in the altered minds or indirectly influenced by one drug or another. Think of a decade, then think of a drug:40-es- booze, 50-es-amphetamines, 60-es-LSD, 70-cocaine, 80-heroine, 90- ecstasy, then think of a music style, art, fashion, politics, social attitudes.  See my point?

2.    Philosophy is the search for the truth (however one of the points in philosophy, which I agree with, is that there is no objective, final truth- just a justified points of view) - still I`d like to encourage a little philosopher in all of my readers, since it is the part of being a conscious being, something that differentiates us from the animals. Philosophy makes a difference between living a life and existing.  All of us use philosophy on a daily basis and it is in no way should have that elite professor-vibe around it. Think for yourself and constantly question! If I can encourage this way of perceiving life in one person only- this blog has done its job. However, I really plan to beat Blondinbella (#1 Swedish blogger) and prove to myself, that matching ones socks with the shoes is not the only and the single most important thing, that the young people are interested in.  This blog is just as much about my search for the truth and is a constant work in progress, so get on board- get pissed off at me or have an  ”A-ha! Wicked- wow!” - moment.

Why DrugA-Z?

Drug- phonetically”friend” in my mother tongue (Russian) - that`s what drugs were for me and so, so, so much more.

D.A.Z. –are my initials: Dimitrievich Alexei Zgerski

A-Z –an encyclopedic notion of the drugs being an “Omni- subject”.  It`s all about everything.

(Hence is the name.)

 www.drugaz.blog.com is the first sketch/blueprint of the”Drugs A-Z” imperia. Get on board- write a comment, send a photo, draw a picture, mix an intro background melody, give an advice, flip a finger. You see: I am not a very arrogant guy, but I do believe that I can do better, than Blondinbella and unless I start dealing drugs through the blog- I have no financial interest in it all: only the belief in that despite all the attempts to stupefy the youth- we, as people still can and even like to think about other stuff, than consuming the ”stuff”.   

*First draft.

Just got hooked up to the net again, so the ideas are ripe and plenty, but the true full version of the site is far, far ahead: I have to buy the page address and then start taking pictures, loads of pictures at the same time rewriting and editing the whole load, to make it easier on the eyes and the minds- I don`t mean simplifying the ideas, just making them… Well- honestly: I wouldn`t bother reading my own blog in the form it is now. The whole free flow of the conciousness has to get organised and a bit more fun. My inspiration? Blondinbella, of course (a Swedish blog-queen-super star).

Upcoming chapters:

Why `Drugs A-Z`?
“Superman on dope”
“Why doing drugs is good for your economy”
“The Best Song Ever”
“Fashion Future”
“New Wacky Tobackies- Under the Influence”
“False Positives- the bluff tacktics”
“Throw the stone back- He without a sin”
“It`s a wonderfull wonderfull life- the other point of view”
“The smugglers cup”
“Feminism- a chemical stand”
“How to get a lifetime for “nothing”
“Unnatural Nature of Faith- All or Nothing”
“Alchemy- chemistry of  Everything”
“Euthinasia: a small red button”
“Die Cheat or Steal”

You get the idea. Or not, but as you can see I have quite a few chapters waiting to get published.

                                                                 What would you do if someone had casually shown you that the world that you live in is not real, providing a hard evidence, that everything you believed in is a fantasy, a myth? Would you deny the facts and continue with your delusions? Bargaining, pleading, begging, or getting angry at the doubt that came with the dark revelation that everything you knew, including the very definition of who you are is just a testimony to your own ignorance?  Would you explain and brush it off as your own lack of understanding of the even bigger picture, where your worlds view still alive and valid? –You may have heard the hard facts, but there may be even more evidence to support your old life philosophy- the ones you cannot even imagine. Or would you snap like a rotten twig, unable to withstand the crumbling reality? Maybe you would convince yourself that you have a right to choose your own reality, even if it may mean sacrificing some logic and reason. Do you believe in the idea of a noble lie?

I found the perseverance to be a  less obvious one of the virtues- standing for ones ideals is necessary, but one should be able to reevaluate and even be open minded enough to abandon them. “If you put your mind to it- anything is possible!”-something we often hear as kids. Well, the less romantic truth is that not everything is possible and it takes a good mind to know when to quit, otherwise this becomes a recipe for an obsessive behavior. Belief in “If you really want something and never give up…” is one of the reasons people put the restraining orders on each other or get laughed at by the whole world, who watches the ”American Idol”. “Just follow your heart no matter what people say” is more likely to land you pregnant, living in a trailer and spending your welfare check to cure the hangovers than on a white horse with a prince.
“Never quit”, “only losers give up”,- because If you keep on banging your head against the same wall- you will one day make a hole in it. Whichever “it” may be.
One of the definitions of the integrity I`ve heard in a debate was “sticking to it no matter what.” - Loyalty, devotion and commitment to ones` principles are the big part of the noble quality such as integrity, however-       
Flexibility and openess, adaptation and change, without compromising the ground moral principles should be desirable. So many lives have been sacrificed for the ideas that were laughed at by the later generations, found to be fanatic and even twisted. It seems to be a reoccurring motif in the human history. Perhaps it is a healthy sign of the progress. The longer in the sobriety I was finding myself, the less black and white the world was becoming.  I`ve voiced my opinion on the importance of the wise flexibility, occasionally to find it deeply associated with moral dubiousness and being a coward.  However it may be in “how you put it”- a bit of oratorical word play can shift the opinions completely around.  Many, I`m sure would also agree that ability to realize and admit ones` mistakes and misconceptions to be a sign of a brave spirit and good morals. Oh… the opposites: how true you are!

From an early childhood we are bombarded with proverbs and sayings, acting as the short cuts for our brains, flying above the critical thinking on the wings of righteousness.  If I had a book of the folklore wisdom in form of the old proverbs- I`m sure at a closer examination, I would find a big part of them to be less bullet proof than one is used to believe. We should absolutely be able to quit and give up once in a while as well as be ready to abandon our rigid and seemingly high moral grounds.  This capitulation is often rewarded with peace- between the nations, the neighbors or within ones` self as is the case with me.

-Not all the authority is out to enslave us (only the tip of the top) and a social assistant may actually be there to assist, instead of controlling and reforming one under the threat of economical sanctions. Teachers may be there to enlighten, not only to brainwash. While hooligans may actually be out to simply vandalize for the dumb fun of it and not always to protest the mechanization  of the human souls, while some thieves are not stealing as the last option to feed the hungry family after being fired by a fat boss for having a cancer. Not all the taggers are underground graffiti artists and some junkies are simply out to get kicks. I tried to write something similar about the police, but got stuck: not all the cops are… f*ck it- they all are.

When one quits a lifelong drug dependency one often has to make that leap of faith from the ethereal chemically induced world to the hard world of matter.  It does not always have to be painful, but it usually is. As I`ve mentioned- drugs were my religion, my politics, my culture, my social structure, my hobby and my occupation.  I was drugs and drugs were me.

The transitional blow of sobriety was softened by the fact that the only light in the end of the tunnel was actually putting the end to the misery- one way or the other. The personal crisis that followed was not what I`ve feared: discovering that I am not this witty, fun, social, artistically gifted guy in his early 20-es, but rather realizing that I can be all those things and being 32 is not the time to justify the infantile middle life crisis gone out of control. People do actually live beyond 60. Nor was I crushed by self loathing and regret over the wasted life. All in all, I had a blast doing drugs (at least for a while) and now I am having a second chance at life, rediscovering all the simple pleasures life has to offer, with the wide open eyes. I am spending my time doing it at what is probably Scandinavia`s finest rehab, taking it easy and planning my future life.

There must be a catch.  “Nothing in life that is worth something is easy”- forced to paraphrase yet another folk`s piece of wisdom, due to the poor memory; yet again I disagree. This idea of decent life having to be a struggle, a swim against the current, otherwise it`s not worth much?  Who said that? “When things are coming your way- you are probably driving in the wrong lane”- quite the opposite. This goodness ascribed to doing things through one`s ass goes together with the good old Christian view of the pleasure seeking as a sin, as well as the notion of purification and self improvement  through the fire and toothache. Pain and misery making us better was perhaps a good way to keep the hungry and diseased population in check, explaining that they should in fact be grateful for living in their own excrement and pray for the souls of the rich ones, who are risking their immortal souls by enjoying life.  “Whatever doesn`t kill makes you stronger” was an updated version of this rejoicing in pain, which I am all for, being an optimist. However one has to realize that things that almost have killed you are just as likely to make you a bitter, broken and withered person. “Whatever doesn`t kill you will send you into therapy”. Children usually don`t  grow stronger and better from the hellish upbringing and neither do the adults become kinder and wiser, having lost everything that matters to them.  I am hardly the one to preach on these matters, yet in my experience, “being on the roll”, when you feel like you are walking on the red carpet, are the moments worth striving for. Not only it means that you are a lucky son of a god, but it also may be your sub consciousness guiding you, it may be your intuition, you may call it your “higher self” or your gut feeling- whatever it is, chances are it is smarter than you. When you are truly enjoying your life and it feels like everything is falling into place is the best sign that you are doing something or even everything right. Unless you have deeply twisted morals- feeling good should be one’s life compass. Sure- I have enjoyed doing some wrongs, but the fleeting feeling of pleasure is incomparable with the deep sense of satisfaction and contentment. “Whatever makes you sleep at night” – it may be that little purple pill or it may be the feeling that everything is all right. 
This is why I`ve said that quitting drugs does not have to be a painful experience, once you are over the physical withdrawal. I am still waiting for my optimism to bite me in the ass and watching out for the previous trap of believing that “wow- it was so easy to quit- it must mean that I was not really addicted, so I can cautiously continue”. Could it be that the junkies are expected to go through hell, when quitting? We are expected to feel horrible and are surrounded with the stricken by compassionate sorrow faces and arms, stretched to give a hug and to hold ones hand, while crying over the loss of the best chemical friends? When the fact is that at any detox or rehab, one can see people coming as grayish zombies, slowly getting their mo-jo back: starting to smile and laugh at the dumbest of the jokes, taking walks in the forest, awed by the colors and the smells and the beauty, as a simple expression of the joy of living. I went from pro active “suicider” to an indifferent cucumber to find myself actually enjoying being alive. So, what is the problem, you may wonder and so do I: if everything is so peachy galore, why people, who were “hooked” on smoking pot, return to the society to start injecting heroine? I am yet to find out, since for now I am in this microcosm, the secluded “pretend” world where everything is easy. I may think now,  that the big mean reality that awaits me is only a bigger version of this Disney World I am in right now, but the harder setbacks are compensated with the bigger rewards, thus balancing the whole real life experience, making it even more exciting and wonder filled. I really must keep this sickening optimism in check- there is hardly anything more annoying, than people, who use the expressions, like “wonder and joy of living”, synonimous with “punch me in the face- hard, if you can”. This will bite me in the ass, I know it will- I am awaiting this “morning after” feeling, when one realizes that dancing naked on the table was actually not the very thing that the office party needed. 

Besides, wouldn`t you agree, that decision making, undertaken at any localized meetings or communication referencing tactical procedure in dealings with key character is purely between the persons involved. Leaks from almost all departments corroborate the affiliation of certain members to opposing polarities, such association emboldening the lower ranks towards outward aggression and attack upon other members. It is managed and orchestrated by a divided managing department, concerting certain minions towards key played with intent to subvert, malign and lead astray from any standing or alliance with certain influential and adulated players. 
Just pulling your leg. A little ADHD test- if you want a white collar job, with a nice office on the top floor- be prepared to read hundreds of pages of this kind of stuff. Day after day after day. This should be a test, like having a jerk is a good test for true love- all of a sudden you discover that you are not as in love as you have imagined only a few minutes ago. Maybe I am not as eager to have my own business as I thought, now that I think of my future drug free life.
The awful insights just kept on coming.  Somebody asked me on the net how to dance rave. Here is my answer:

Dancing rave without drugs? It`s hard, but possible. You can hit YouTube and search for rave, otherwise- minimal legs movement, except for stepping with the 120 Bpm beat, swaying your body left and right, hands bent at 90 degrees, open palms, fingers together, doing the poking movement. Occasionally do a slight crouch, as if you are about to sit down, prior to the beat explosion (goes in waves- you get the feel before it hits). If you want to annoy the crowd further, use some props, like a whistle or glowing sticks. Seriously? There is no right way to dance rave, since it is not a social kind of dancing, instead you are in a trance-like state, alone in your universe, letting your body follow the primal beat.

Following my own advice, I entered “rave” in the YouTube’s search engine. Watching a party on a beach in a day light, it hit me- cops didn`t kill the rave as I liked to believe, if anything- the persecutions would only have made it stronger. It was we who did it and even if it`s not dead yet- it will be and the last ones standing, will be dancing on its grave to the pop beats of eurotechno with whistles and glowing sticks. It is like a bit of rain forest or a beach, being covered with beer bottles and used condoms- it is still the same place, where you once were almost tearing up at the majestic beauty of it all. Once so virgin and pristine. Or maybe I am just getting older.
No- I`m not. 

THE 2 HEADED KITTY

Riding in the car today I got really mad- a feeling of anger that I thought was completely eradicated together with the part of brain responsible for calculus, yet there I was cooking inside, listening to a radio hit. ”I wish I was a punk rock girl, with the flowers in her hair. The year was 69 and revolution was in the air…” There was so much wrong with these two short sentences, that it felt almost surreal.  Only  a 50 year old nark would call herself  ”a punk rock girl”. If you are truly one of the breed and must define yourself (say under a threat of a felony record), one would hardly even squeeze a  simple ”punk” out of you.  As with the techno heads, who would never call themselves that,  so is “I am a punk rock girl” sounds like “could I buy some cannabis-marijuana or an injection of some drugs to get groovy, please?”. Then came the devastating “with the flowers in my hair”- the only way a punk would put flowers in her hair would be to smoke them later or to put on a grave of a hippie. The confusion went on with the 69-when the (presumably punk) revolution was in the air.  Not only it was off by about half a decade, but punk has never been  about the flowery revolution, but rather about a dark nihilism with the mighty beautiful “fuck it all” attitude.  

2B CONTINUED /DELETED/REVIEWED

Watching an international  conference about the war on drugs, where nothing constructive
was being said, got me thinking about the issue and I`ve noticed myself being allot more
cool headed, being able to argument for and against the questions of legalization or decriminalization. Something that I was unable to do in the previous chapters.  
Since the problem is almost always discussed from one point of view only-
I thought I`ll try to see it from both on the same  PC screen.

HEALTH

-Drugs are lethal and cause not only deaths due to the overdoses, but spread of deseases, not to mention generally poor physical and mental health at epidemic proportions.

-People will always find a way to get intoxicated and harsher methods against the common drugs usually lead to rise in the  lower quality and more dangerous “home made”  brews. (Example GHB being replaced with GBA and GBL, alcohol with the industrial substitudes). The overdoses are usually the result of absence of  the quality (potency) control and information about the ways to avoid these dangers.  Spread of the diseases  amongst the intravenous users  can be easily avoided by selling clean syringes in pharmacies.  Mental problems in drug users are rarely to blame solely  on the chemicals, since it is a case of a latent psychosis  that drugs may have escalated or a previous depression that drugs were used to medicate. Decriminalization of the drug use would also remove the stigmata associated with it, allowing people to openly seek medical help, thus reducing the overall problem, instead of hiding it.

-Legalization/decriminalization would sent a signal that it is OK to use drugs, leading to the massive recruitment of people who would otherwise not dare to break the law.

- The forbidden fruit factor is much stronger when trying a narcotic for the first time, than the fear of possible problems with the law. Decriminalization would take away the “cool” that is unjustly associated with many of the hard drugs, amongst youth, such as the heroin.  The use of drugs would no longer be perceived by the young as a rebellion, but instead would be seen for what it truly is.

                                                                      CANNABIS

-Legalization of even so called “light” drugs would escalate the use of the hard drugs as well by the “gateway” effect.

-As is the case with Holland`s decriminalization of cannabis, it was shown that the “hard” drug use  is a very different type of a problem and is hardly related to the cannabis culture. Heroin users rarely use cannabis and vise versa.  A person is just as likely to continue with the use of the heavier drugs as be deterred from it as a result of testing cannabis. Many cannabis smokers don`t drink alcohol or use any other chemicals.  

- Why are alcohol and the nicotine are legal, being much more addictive and dangerous?

-Legalization of more narcotics would not make the problem less. If alcohol or the nicotine were introduced first now, they would have been outlawed.  Sadly they have been  a part of mankind’s culture for ages.

-How can a plant be criminalized? It sends a very wrong message to the people who are in touch with nature and like to think of it as theirs to share and enjoy.

-Many of the hard drugs are based on the plants, such as cocaine and heroin, but no one argues that their production should be kept under the controlled substances law.

-Proclaiming someone a criminal for smoking marijuana  is counterproductive. An otherwise harmless behavior for the society suddenly becomes a criminal act, putting the user in the frame of mind, where other criminal behavior may be more justified.  

-Turning a blind eye on one drug opens the door for many other illegal substances.

-There is no hard evidence to confirm it. It may just as well have the opposite effect, when cannabis satisfies the need to get high, minimizing the damage and the story ends there. 
When all the drugs are equally illegal one doesn`t descriminate as much when it comes to what drug to use, while drawing a clear line between the use of cannabis and heroin may stop people from crossing it.

CRIME

-Drug trade is a multibillion dollar industry, which creates  crime around it- everything from petty thefts to prostitution to gun trade and murder.  If we do not fight it- we might as well proclaim Anarchy.

-Illegal status is the very reason for all the drug associated crime.  If drug trade was controlled by the government it would eliminate all that. If you can buy your cocaine at a pub, cheaper than on the street and with controlled quality- the drug lords of today would be out of business. The legal drug trade can be taxed and a part of the profits be spent on the medical care, such as having a medic present at places where drugs are taken or sold. 

-Letting people take drugs freely  would result in chaos.

-Legalization does not mean abandoning all sorts of control- on the contrary: police maybe present nearby as well as the medically trained personnel at places where other drugs beside alcohol are served. Strict  rules, similar to alcohol can be applied regarding public intoxication,  disturbing behavior etc.

-Having highly intoxicated people out in public would lead to dangerous for others behavior and violence.

-On the contrary- we have this problem now in no way less, because it`s hidden: domastic violence, suicide ect. Having it out in the open would allow for much more control. Besides no other drug is so violence prone as alcohol, so having it replaced by other drugs would actually minimize the violence- if people would rather take some Ecstasy or smoke cannabis, instead of drinking.

-Even a short jail sentence is a good lesson to put people back on the straight and narrow.

-While punishing people by fining them never have stopped anyone from using the drugs, the jail sentences actually escalates the problem.  Drugs are plentiful in any prison as well as being incarcerated teaches that one is on the other side of the law, making rehabilitation allot more difficult. Prisons are schools of crime and otherwise harmless users upgrade themselves into dealers and smugglers, creating a criminal network.

FUTURE

-Legalization will slowly lead to collapse of the society, when people will be sitting all day, smoking and snorting, instead of working.

-Leading the normal life with family and work is allot more fulfilling, than using drugs non stop. Creating a new drug culture would eliminate the choice many have to make: either you are a junky or a productive member of the society.  People would be more aware of the consequences and would not want the drugs to interfere with the normal life. Taking a lot of drugs is not fun and people will soon realize it.

-Like it or not drugs are a huge part of our culture- both legal and illegal. Some of the more addictive substances are those that you can get from a private doctor with hardly any questions asked. Legalizing all drugs would not be that much of the shift as many believe.  Drugs are already legal- it`s only a question of the brand names and admition that they can be taken in recreational purposes.

MORALS

-Drugs corrupt souls. Legalizing them would send a message that  Satan has won,  to the whole Christian community.

-So did  legalizing abortion or anal sex. Homosexuality was punishable by imprisonment not too long time ago.  Moral values change with times, becoming more and more liberal.  It`s only a matter of time before drugs are legal- why not spare us the grief and legalize now.  As for the “drugs are from Satan” argument- there are more and more people who believe in the psilocybin mushroom to be the flesh of gods, opening the doors of spirituality for example. While Rasta and some Hindu believe in marijuana smoking as a way of communicating with god, so let`s not go there.

-Drugs lead to unprotected sex, STDs as well as unwanted pregnancies.

-Ignorance and carelessness lead to those things. This is like arguing about who kills people- guns or people.

-Drug abuse affects allot more people than the user- family and friends have to suffer as well.

-Yes, it is sadly true, however keeping the drugs illegal does not make the problem any less. Instead of asking for help many are forced to keep quiet , fearing the juridical consequences.

-Humanity is striving for improvement, even if it is naïve to believe that we may eradicate all the problems, we should never give up, as this is one of the great points of existence.  Even if the War   on Drugs is futile and only symbolic, it should never stop.

-Legalization would  give people a sense of responsibility and freedom, like nothing else it would be a step in maturing for the whole society, something that will reflect positively on all aspects of life. Awareness that it is your body and you may do anything with it  will be a paradigm shift, where a sense of true responsibility for one`s self, people around and the whole society will arise, instead of being enforced.  

LOGISTICS

-It is technically impossible to make it legal, since it has to be done all countries in the world at once, otherwise conflicts will arise, where some countries will become the great suppliers, undermining the prohibition in others.  (Thanx 2 Kizzle 4 this 1)

-Many of the countries of Islam don`t allow alcohol, while in others you can buy opiates in a drugstore. This “problem” has always existed without any dire consequences, if one obeys the laws of the country that one visits. Many of the countries have their own way of handling problems and drug legalization does not have to be a universal  law.

-Drug trade is such an enormous business, that creating a whole new legal brunch of economy, taxation, infrastructure- juridical, medical etc. , is almost impossible.

-Considering the money involved, many will be happy to help. The knowledge and infrastructure is already there, it`s only a matter of making it legal.

-Admitting that millions of people were unjustly persecuted, that the law has been wrong for half a century would lead to a complete disillusionment in the authority.

-It is not the first or the last time people witness a  collapse of an old set of values, and  creation of  new with positive results. Ending any war is not a bad thing.  After all we are fighting against ourselves and our own kids. Realization that it is the enemy within that has to be dealt with, not a faceless dealer , will allow people to look at the problem of drug abuse from a more mature point of view. Instead of blaming the drugs, the pushers, the poor economy it will be the questions of the pointless existence, depression, anxiety that would have to be addressed.

-People are allot like children and need both control and discipline. You wouldn`t give child a gun to play with, just because it`s fun.

-“The gun” is already there, the question is to minimize the damage.  Besides, when given the freedom of choice, people are allot wiser than they are given the credit for. Example is the less repressive drug use politics in Sweden.  The deadliest of the drugs, such as fentanyl and methamphetamine have no demand to support the supply, despite them being potentially the most profitable and providing the most potent rush.  

-Example of the post communist Russia shows what drugs can do to a nation in only a few years after being introduced.

-True- the heavy intravenous drug use became  catastrophic.  It went from zero to 300/mph in no time at all.  Yet  Russia has one of the  most severe punishments for the drug use in the world.  Police routinely checks and body searches youth on the street, in clubs and pubs. Unless validated by a doctor a trace from an injection on ones arm is a felony. A used syringe, or any drug related paraphernalia also will land you in a court of law. Passing a cannabis joint counts as the distribution of narcotics (drugs do not have the same classification as  hard and soft) and gives 7 to 15 years in prison!  Still the ruthless attitude towards drugs amongst youth can be seen in the documentaries, where kids openly inject heroine in front of the camera or scenes where young girls from upper class families, share needles, even when one of them admits to carrying HIV and hepatitis infections. Even in the finer, private schools 14 year old kids sell heroine to the classmates.  Many blame the collapse of the Soviet Union, leaving the moral void in the new liberated, yet lost generation. Drugs were not a problem in the old USSR, where people had the ideals, the myth and the purpose for living- communism played for many the same role as the spirituality.  – Suddenly it was gone within a couple of years.  Combined with a complete lack of information about the dangers of drugs it was a recipe for a disaster.  

If there is a void that drugs can fill- it will happen and it is unstoppable and cannot be reduced, even by death penalties or life sentences.  Drugs are always the symptom of a much deeper issues that must be addressed and war is not a solution by any means. American war on drugs showed to be a complete fiasco, costing more and more every year, while the problem only grows.  Education, since of personal  freedom and responsibility, medical, social and psychological help, combined with purpose in life is the only way to manage, contain and reduce the addiction problem.

-It`s not that simple.

-An “argument” that I`ve heard time after time, discussing the drug problem and the War on Drugs.  No- it is not simple, however the war on drugs does just that- simplifies the problem to a ridiculous level, where there are the evil chemicals that have to be fought.  This essay is mostly addressing the drug politics of Russia and the USA.   I believe in a complete legalization of all drugs as I believe in the Anarchy- it`s an idea, a final destination, however I do realize that it`s a long way ahead.  I just  wish we could move a bit faster and less cautiously.  Europe seems to be on the right way though.  Heroine trade is already more or less in the hands of the government, where one can choose Methadone or Subutex as the legal substitutes,  prescribed by a doctor. Next step would be admitting the recreational value of certain drugs and finding other ways to deal with it besides the prohibition.

You are very welcome to leave an anonymous comment at the bottom of the article. I would love to hear more arguments against legalization, since after looking and asking on the internet I`ve failed to produce any new ones, besides those that I`ve mentioned above.   

I should clarify perhaps what I`ve meant by correlating being a Devil`s advocate with the empathy and forgiveness. Having spent almost my whole life befriending the weirdoes, criminals, addicts and the mentally ill, has taught me to be non judgmental. To defend some truly bizarre behavior I had to relate to them, to step into their shoes- which is I guess is somewhat empathic. They say that you can measure how empathic you are by how much  you yawn as a result of seeing someone else do it. I used to yawn allot.  

This attraction to the outcasts was in me for as long as I can remember. Through the first grade of my school I got bullied- nothing traumatic, but quite annoying. In the second grade my foes were starting to show some signs of the future to be spent in prison. The two 8 year old begun smoking, skipping school, doing some petty thefts and things like breaking into the school cafeteria at night to urinate in the soup de jour. By that time I was their friend- not the best such, but nevertheless. I neither smoked, nor steal, but often kept them a company. In the fourth grade I`ve realized that they were retards, which didn`t stop me from having them at the outskirts of my social circle. It was a secure feeling, having the most feared bastards in school calling me a friend. It may become a topic for my therapy. I begun having a few of the kind as my personal entourage, paying them in chewing gums. I`m lucky to have grown out of this manipulative stage quite soon, but at the time I rolled on with it, having a few criminals as my palls at the age of 12. I couldn`t call them my friends, finding them honestly too stupid for my taste. Not a simpatico dumb as a puppy, but aggressively dim. There was something that always attracted me to the people, who just didn`t give a f**k.   I was generally never too picky, when it came to choosing friends- as long as you are not a violent psychopath, a hateful person- or painfully boring- I`m sure we will get along just fine.

 I had some intelligent friends as well, but I wasn`t quite as turned on by their collections of trilobites and stamps.  There was something missing. –It turned out to be the drugs and alcohol. Drinking or smoking weed made you automatically “my kind of people”, even before my first joint.  Combination of the bright and passionate minds and some dope was the golden ticket to the fulfilling relationships. Soon I did not have to choose between the two worlds- criminally unconventional or intellectually satisfying.  My first true best friend attracted me with his general weirdness and the fact that he lived next door to me and as a bonus-he smoked.

We used to meet each other every half an hour to share a cigarette outside the apartment and corroborate each other’s relentless monotony, while  discussing getting laid, politics and suicide. I begun corrupting his student head, taking him with me on my hooligan tours, that I`ve described earlier. Beer was that last missing bit, which transformed our childish pranks and time wasting into the full time occupation of getting wasted as often as possible. He drew the line at taking drugs.  I felt sad having to lose him to the chemical sobriety, however I was not about to stop in my development. I had difficulty to understand his choice, since he was the one speaking about the best way to end his life and the drugs were so much better than just hanging.  I have to admit however, that with me out of his life he soon got a job at a big news paper.

Suicide and disillusionment seemed to be a reoccurring theme amongst my friends and I loved it. Deeply dark and depressive attitude was not only cool, but went with vodka like a pickled cucumber. The Russian spirit at its most stereotypical. Don`t get me wrong - we did have fun and laughed allot- witty malevolent sarcasm did not disagree with the self destructive nihilism.  

It was just perfect- I truly belonged. When it came to drinking and drugs I often pushed the limits just a little bit further, always finding someone from the gang, who didn`t yet have a hangover.  I seldom noticed any side effects of my drinking, except for the things like an occasional sleep walking. Rare hangovers usually were cured before I had a time to fully wake up.  Gregory was one of the true gems, never refusing a drink. He was a talented poet, however his work was way too depressing to be published in the USSR.  He was a special kind of alcoholic- drinking fast,  falling asleep within minutes and peeing in his pants during the brief nap, shortly thereafter waking up with a huge smile.  I`m sure he is dead now.

“Alone and pregnant, dead, dead, fat like hell and sick in the head, disappeared from the radar, whore, married a rich guy” –was the update on the girls from the group, when I`ve managed to contact one of them over the internet.

In the little of what remains of my memory from those days they will always stay young, beautiful and eternally  buzzed.

                                                 Na zdorovje!

Times long gone, when the alcohol was not a social lubricant, an escape, or way to have fun- we did not need it- it was a natural way of living. It was not the quantities consumed that determined its role, but the very attitude towards it- something so natural and ever present, that it was like air- always there and needless to discuss. I don`t remember ever hearing that someone was drunk- you were either awake or asleep. I guess it takes a very young mind and body to have the sturdiness  to be able to appreciate it at this level. Romanticizing? You bet ya! That is why I am an alcoholic and you are not.

This kind of friendship felt as real as it gets. There was something very genuine about the people without the social restrains, ones beyond the norm.

I always knew what they really felt and a rare thought went by unspoken. The same quality I found amongst most of the criminals in prison. There were certain rules of conduct of course, but very simplified ones. Punishment for breaking them was swift and direct ass kicking, which I did not approve, still I enjoyed the general ease with which emotions and thoughts were expressed. The rare attempts at manipulation were often too transparent for the less naive and a hidden agenda was rarely present amongst the criminals. I have to say though:

Kids! Alcohol may also take away those filters and restrains, but it`s in no way can improve your social skills. No matter how many years you drink- all your reservations and phobias will be there, once you sober up.  So- never stop drinking or become a bad ass criminal.

 I begun believing that to make it big in the conformists  world, be it climbing the business or social ladder, it was necessary to adapt the insincere laughter, cold smiles, backstabbing and all the things you may find in a soap opera. To think this way may have been a way to excuse my lack of ambitions, but it worked and I had my validation for being a loser.

Sinicism compels me to admit another thing: the revolutionary ideas work best on an empty stomach.  You will hardly make a rebel out of someone who is economically secure, while you can inspire a whole nation to murder their own neighbors, if the daily bread is an issue. (Lenin, Hitler).  It`s luckily not always true as is the example with the 60-es renaissance- you don`t always have to fight against something, it may work better to fight for something. While Bush, for example believes in fear as the great motivational and uniting tool for the nation; being a tool himself he missed the ongoing shift in the collective psyche.  So I am rather optimistic. Yet again in my life I`m finding the middle path. I may no longer be a rebel, but I`m far from becoming one of the suits.

I`m at the crossroads.  On one hand I`m this new-born proper member of the society, on the other I am a junky , an x-criminal and an extremist,  who wished the society a soon end. This dilemma may prove to be a more difficult one, than my personal  war on drugs, seeing that it is a part of the personality crisis that I should be going through. Doing drugs largely defined me, even influencing my political convictions. Calling it a crisis may be too harsh, but:

I still am a guy believing in the complete legalization of all the narcotics and that it will not escalate the drug problem- quite the opposite. I believe in all sorts of conspiracy theories, such as the US secret service being responsible for the  9/11 terror attack, as well as Russians staging something similar to justify the war in Chechnya. I`m concerned about the imperialistic ambitions behind the Globalization.  I believe in the UFOs cover up and in governments attempts to fully control us. On the personal  level, I enjoy the world, where there is a place for Satanists, punks, hippies, graffiti artists, anarchists, prostitutes, drug users, alcoholics, madmen and the prophets of doom (interestingly the spell check on my PC has the Satanists as the only word from the list beginning with a capital letter). Musically speaking- imagine the proper world as an FM radio station, playing the easy listening- well I miss the hard core industrial techno, for example.  Something  to wake you up from the lethargic driving, where the automatic cruise control has taken over.  The Christian  view of the perfect world worries me more than the World War 3, however I utterly enjoyed the Christian paranoia presentations on the You Tube, seeing the alien takeover of the planet,  the number of the beast concealed in just about everything from the Coke to the Disney logotypes and the demonic shape shifters on the TV, showing their true faces once the playback is slowed down and heavily pixilated.  I don`t believe in any of that, but I like anything that is out of the ordinary, as I`m sure you do too.

The very word “normal” evokes a negative reaction in me, while unless it says “controversial”  in front of the news headline- I am hardly interested. Will the day come, when I will have to pick sides, be it only within myself;  has the day come already? I stood at the barricades in Moscow, protesting the communist takeover-91, but I have also supported the commies, during the Gothenburg riots. Is it the need to fight that inspired me, instead of some true convictions? It seems that I instinctively believe that the majority is always wrong.  Anyway- the  underground, independent, controversial, provoking and  “anti” gets  diluted,  sweetened, packaged and sold to the masses, hardly having the time to bask in its oppositional spirit. Being radical is far from as radical as it`s used to be or maybe to be rebellious is no longer enough to wear a short skirt or have a tattoo.  Dividing and conquering has been replaced with assimilating and ridiculing. If you can`t beat them- join them and when you can not- make a monkey out of them, such is the case with the whole Muslim world. What is the first picture in your head, when you hear a word “hippie” or “muslim”? It`s hardly the deep philosophical thinking, spirituality or a rich culture. Try now naming the main reasons for some of their more extreme actions- theese must be some good  ones,considering the risks taken. I`ve got nothing, except for the Bush`s “jealousy of our way of living”. Really? How about all those kids, fighting the cops, demonstrating, risking imprisonment and bodily harm?
-Something about the vegetables, I think- we shouldn`t kill the tomatoes or something…

I never really was a hardcore anything, (except maybe a dopehead) having the opposite worlds at a relative peace coexisting within me. I`m a refugee, but I am from Moscow, so I am European, never really experiencing the second class citizen status. I was an outlaw, but I wasn`t robbing or committing acts of violence, neither have I considered myself to be a criminal. I was a junky, but I am sober now.  I am an anarchist and an ultra liberal, but I am not a revolutionary.   The “squares” seem to compose a silent majority as it has always been,  yet they are long from being as square in their views as in the 50-es, for example.( I`m talking about Europe- USA may be a whole different story.) Am I becoming one of “them”? My  believing in the Brave New World may be inherently self contradictive, since it cannot stay new for long and is becoming less and less brave as well as if it was to succeed it would become what it was fighting against- the mainstream. Picturing the world of the small peaceful communities, recycling, meditating and for the kicks enjoying an occasional session of the acupuncture or smoking grass gives me the shivers. Yet this is what I was once fighting for.  Be careful what you wish for- it may come true, indeed. I would have been so miserable in this Hippie Disney World, where everyone is happy.       

 I shouldn`t underestimate the value of the rebellion,  and I hope we will never see the day, where a total  agreement, understanding and inner peace rules.  But you knew that already- Paradise on Earth would mean the end of evolution, thus robbing the life of its main purpose.  Many, especially in the USA believed that the high suicide rate in Sweden was due to the bad weather and long winter nights.   I`m sure it was the result of coming too close to a society without a conflict or a struggle.  So, I guess the trouble makers, the outlaws, the rebels, the extremists not only keep us on our toes, but may even have saved a few lives.  I know it has saved mine.  During one point, when I was doing drugs more than ever, I felt suicidal as my life had absolutely no meaning. Rejoining the “rebel army”, brought some sense to it all, even partially justifying my drug abuse. You may say, that my disillusionment was the result of the drug abuse, but then we would be on the chicken or the egg rhetoric  again.
 

My ability to validate any sorts of behavior, through the logic and reasoning, could have created a perfect defense lawyer or a mass murderer.  I should be able to excuse myself from any sense of guilt or moral responsibility. Luckily it doesn`t work on me, seeing my own b.s.  However sometimes I was sold completely, when it comes to drugs. I`m sure many of my chemically inclined comrades would find this way of thinking familiar, when planning a relapse…

a)     It is more harmful to suffer, than to indulge myself in the little something this once

b)    I deserve a little break

c)     It would be a good way to show myself how far I`ve progressed in my sobriety

d)    It would be a good preparation for the real life situations

e)     It`s a good confirmation of my will strength, leading to a better confidence

f)      I have to get it out of my system, before it takes over and leads to bigger problems

g)     Others have done it and they are alright

h)    I can`t afford to continue this anyway

i)       I`ve grown allot stronger now, so this is far from being as dangerous for me

j)       It is a natural part of the healing process and its only human

k)     I wanna!

l)       I can`t find nearly as many reasons not to do this, so it must be valid

m)  It`s now or never.

 
I can continue and I`m sure you have a few of your own. This is something anyone can relate to, having learnt it from an early childhood, I`m sure. What I found to be different from many others is the ease with which I can apply this kind of reasoning to almost anything.  I enjoyed being the Devil’s advocate, believing it to be an expression for empathy and a forgiving nature, while in fact it was amongst other a manipulative quality.  Luckily I`m not THAT good, since I`ve been jokingly called a demagogue by my parents  as a kid, when trying to justify, excuse, motivate and convince to get my sugar fix for example. Still I`ve managed to persuade my Mother over a period of two years, that many of the drugs are not only rather harmless, but actually relatively  beneficial, despite what she has heard all her life. She ended up trying everything at least once, including the heroine. While she enjoyed some of the drugs, I knew that there was no real danger, such as her getting addicted, since I was the only available source.  For me it was a way to start doing drugs openly at the same time bringing some much deserved fun into her life.

Every time she heard about the dangers of one drug or the other, I`ve managed to come up with some elaborate  reason for “them” to create the disinformation, that she heard. My conspiracy theories, concerning the politics of money and greed were at times so convincing, that I believed in them myself.  The truth, mixed with the half truths and a pinch of creative statistics.

Statistics in general can do magic, when brainwashing someone and the best part- you don`t even have to lie.  Statistics must be the most deceitful way of conveying  a piece of information there is.  Unless you are told how, where, when, from whom, by whom and with what agenda, at what time of day, in what weather and in what political and social climate the statistics were obtained- they have rarely of any true value, unless dealing with things, where the human factor is irrelevant. Besides, what meaning does it have if 99,99% of something is one way, when you find yourself another?  I`ve realized  it quite early and loved to play with numbers when it came to everything drug related, comparing  different drugs to the alcohol, cigarettes and pharmaceuticals, for example.

2B CONTINUED

Being in therapy for the first time in my life put me in self analyzing mode- something I would find purely masochistic and rather pointless only recently. Evaluating myself would have been a powerful killjoy, while being high and even more so when sober. Not because of some character flaws that I was avoiding to examine, but because I would have to admit to myself that I was existing, instead of living, absorbing the nutrients and some chemicals, rather like a vegetable, but unlike a vegetable I wasn`t even  growing. Despite having been interested in psychology and all the things mind related, I would nevertheless have found a list of reasons to why psychoanalysis is nothing more than self indulgence for the rich once, who love hearing the sound of their own voice.

Ignoring all the things negative, combined with selective as well as generally poor memory worked wonders, when dealing with all sorts of problems.  “Out of sight out of mind” did the trick, keeping me pleasantly numb.  I remember mentioning a few things regarding this earlier, such as “I wish I could feel love or hate”- well actually I don`t.  Being in love brings a distant memory of the schizophrenic  emotional  ride, reminiscent of a heavy drug craving, while the feelings of hate, envy, jealousy, anger, fear  are the ones that I could do just fine without.  This skill of memory editing was present even in the small habits, such as deleting all the SMS and e-mail that was more than a couple of days old.  I was thinking of it as a way of cleaning up, to keep the memory free, despite having the unlimited storage on my mail server. I also did not have a single family photo or an old letter. I`ve never bothered to back up my phone and address lists, so every time I`ve lost my mobile or had a computer crash- I`ve permanently lost dozens of contacts. Relations were coming and going, nothing stayed the same for long and it seemed like there is no point in holding on to anything.  I liked to think of my attitude as the Buddhist way of living in the present.  All the fear usually comes from the future, while sorrow is from the past, I reasoned, ignoring the fact that I was not living in present either, having days fly by in a haze, merging into months and years. I`ve longs stopped celebrating birthdays and new years.   I`ve seemingly lost  the part of the brain , responsible for face recognition, landing time after time in quite embarrassing situations, when people were coming up to me on the street and asking me how is it going with my drawings for example. I stood time after time dumbstruck,  thinking if I should respond with “How`s your job and the kids?” or “Hey,  I`ve got some wicked grass- want to share a joint?”  This habit of avoiding everything unpleasant or challenging led to my complete shutting off all the mathematical skills- in the end my brain went blank automatically, when hearing numbers.  All this, if you ask a doctor was a result of the drug use, however I disagree. Not directly anyway. I remember perfectly the name of every narcotic I`ve ever took, such as the example with the ambiguous  Aminotriptiline, taken once at the age of 14. I remembered everything that mattered to me. Problem is that when one becomes a heavy drug user, less and less of the things remain of any importance.  So, I would say that the drug related memory loss is mostly a product of the lazy brain attitude, rather  than a result of some chemical brain damage, as well as the most cases of adult drugrelated ADHD.  Of course there is the infamous short memory impairment, related to  smoking cannabis, but its effects are mostly noticeable, while smoking, much like with the alcohol.  

 Another Buddhist concept with which I justified my chilly interior  was that all the pain and grief are the result of desire.  Something that I lacked together with ambition, which I associated with the unhealthy and morally dubious  corporate rat race. In other words, according to this ancient philosophy I had all the reasons to be perfectly content and blissfully happy.   The regular anxiety attacks had absolutely no explanation- I wasn`t afraid or worried about anything, so, I concluded that they, like any misbalance of psyche, that has no objective reasons, have to be treated chemically. Tranquilizers with booze did the trick. In the words of Homer J. Simpson, they were the cause and the solution to all my problems. Three out of three of the true Buddhist was scored by my meditative state of mind. Point of the meditation is emptying one’s  mind from all the background noise of the fleeting thoughts, which I achieved daily. Eyes half closed, mouth slightly open, body completely relaxed, leaning forward- starring at the images on the TV screen, until falling asleep.

Hitting each other with padded bats on the head in the psychologist`s office  until recently was considered a healthy way of expressing the bottled up frustration and anger.  Later it showed that expressing aggression may actually strengthen it, transforming it from a ghostly  feeling into something more real.  The same was noticed when dealing with some traumas. I was happy to apply this new way of thinking to my emotion/memory management.   It didn`t feel like I was bottling it up or suppressing- I simply ignored the pain, until it went away, instead of concentrating on it, feeding it with the energy of my thoughts. A lot like dealing with a minor tooth ache- you can either let it take over or forget it completely, by focusing on something else. Poor memory did the rest of the work in my way of dealing with the pain.   The last aspect of my handling the drug related setbacks, such as cravings and withdrawals was my  ability to dissociate the discomfort with its cause. When I`ve decided to quit the tranquilizers and later the synthetic heroine – in both cases I went through a one month long withdrawal.  In the first case it was psyche that took the punishment, while the second felt mostly physical.   With both I managed to avoid torturing myself additionally, by  thinking “if I only take a pill or snort a line-I will be fine”, but instead taking it as if it was a bad cold- just riding it out. Transforming  the psychological pain into physical was another exercise – I was concentrating on the clenched muscles, the pain in the solar plexus, shortage of breath, grinding teeth, without paying attention to any emotional  attributes of an anxiety attack, such as the fear. This however rarely helped much as I was still feeling just as uncomfortable, but at least I was managing to avoid escalating the feeling.  Of course the huge amounts  of alcohol helped quite a bit, however it wasn`t always available, as was the case in the prison, were only drugs were at hand, so I`m sticking with what I`ve said about my coping methods being helpful.  

To summarize, here are my past ways of dealing with everything negative:

1.       Ignore, ignore, ignore.

2.       Forget

3.       Dissociate- take the pain as it is, without explaining it, justifying its existence.  Especially helpful when dealing with problems that are out of your control. Try not to think “if only I had done…”

4.       Don`t take life too seriously. Think of it as a movie or a game.

5.       Don`t take yourself too seriously- you are not that important. This last point contradicts with the nature of the drug abuse, when everything is about you, still it`s  sometimes a  helpful way to distance oneself from the pain.

6.       Be constantly wasted to aid the first 5.

This way of thinking has prevented me from growing, learning from my mistakes, but it did spare me a lot of grief.

 I would have to admit however that it`s a bit like having a drink to cure a hangover caused by the drink- makes sense in a short run.

Now, having been sober for a month I still find much of my way of thinking to be useful. It is not something that I have to do consciously, but has become my second nature. I no longer blame or thank ecstasy or heroine for my numbness- I believe it to be the result of my life philosophy and allot of practice.   Still everything wasn`t quite as perfect as I would`ve liked.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me- I thought. The deaths of my father, favorite grandfather and  my brother haven`t evoked any feelings whatsoever.  My method was working so good that it was becoming scary.  I still would like to think of myself as human.

Only one thought seemed to bring up some more or less strong feelings . Guilt and sadness, every time I thought of my parents.  This came almost as soon as I`ve sobered up.  I begun wondering how much longer my father would have lived and how much happier and healthier would both of my parents be if I had been a proper son?

This very unproductive guilt trip found it`s expression during a therapy session, when I felt overwhelming sadness, listening to another guy talking about his parents. I`ve asked what would be the best way to deal with it, since asking my mother for forgiveness and receiving it didn`t help at all.  In my opinion it was still the evasion  and ignoring the thoughts that cause pain that worked the best.  As I`ve noticed with the therapy- when we ask a question, we already know the answer. A surprisingly simple solution came to mind: since there is nothing I can do to change the past- I can do my best to create a better future. It felt kindergarden-simple. There was no need to analyze it to death, digging in my childhood to find the reasons for my behavior and hope that that understanding them is the key to the guilt free memories.

The very next day at the therapy session I started to think about my parents again. Nothing happened. No guilt, no sorrow. I tried to imagine my paralyzed father alone in a filthy apartment, sad, drinking himself to death. Eyes, looking as if a bottomless pit was both behind and in front of them, motionless, focused on nothing. I pictured my mother crying. Nothing. The guilt was no longer there, all that I felt was the natural  reaction to a sad image, but no deeper sorrow or guilt, causing me to seek an escape.

It couldn`t be that easy- it must be a flux; I must be in some weird mood- it will go over tomorrow and I will feel the usual remorse.  A day went by, then another. Without creating the sad images in my head- I felt nothing thinking about my mom and dad.

It can`t be that easy, it just cannot- I must have successfully dissociated myself or switched into my observers  mode, where everything is just a movie.  

Whichever it maybe- as long as it worked.  I begun searching for other things that brought guilt, pain or anger, but was finding nothing. Of course I had some regrets, but nothing that had any feelings attached to it- those were the mistakes that I`m not going to repeat.

I remembered how excited I was about the chance to find the reason and explanation to everything.

-Why am I such a devil`s advocate? Why don`t I never listen to the advise? Why do I disrespect the authorities? 

-Well, it may have to do with your upbringing in the USSR,  in the family of the hard core Anti-communists, where what you were told at school and throughout the media, where your grandparents beliefs were the complete opposite  from what you heard at

home. This duality has taught you in the early age to assimilate the opposites as well as to adapt throughout the life and even your disrespect and a slight fear of authority originates there.

- This little psychologist in my head brought a few “aha!” moments, yet soon I realized that except for being entertaining,  this kind analysis didn`t change anything.   I wasn`t examining some persistent phobias or traumas, that may affect me negativly at the present.  At the same time it looked like finding the roots of a phobia did not always meant  a cure. Such as it was with my fear of spiders.  I`ve managed to recall the exact moment when I`ve associated the arachnids with a sense of panic and approaching doom in my early childhood.  It hasn`t dampened my fear a bit.

Facing the 6 legged monsters may help, but I`m not going to- I`m just fine keeping them at a distance.

Remember though- I`ve probably only touched the surface and I have not got a clue how deep it all goes or how deep I would like to dig. Being comfortably numb works for now, but I suspect it won`t stay like this for too long. It has only been one sober month.