DRUGS A-Z

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/sex/gambling/stealing/shopping/working/stuff—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The twelve steps, that shall save me, once I give in to the greater truth behind them.

As a new-bee,  recovering and fucked up junkie, joining the 12-steps: you shall hear the mandatory and seemingly the most important for a rookie point: this is not a cult. We are not about worshiping a god. All that is eventually required is some sort of personalised  spirituality, which may imply any kind of divine/higher power connection. You are free too choose your own god or even the absence of one.  As long as there is some… Thing, larger than you. Contradictive? You haven`t heard a third of it.

I was a believer once in my life, so- in this chapter I shall name myself as an X; an X believer.  A skeptic- to say the least.

Now, having gone through the weekly meetings for over 7 months, while having a kind of mini-meeting at my work, every single day: I truly, deeply, sincerely believe in the fact, that I am allowed to voice my opinion on the 12-steps. Mind you-a very personal point of view, of course.

So… Here I am- step by step.

1.       Agree- my life has become unmanageable.  Considering, that the step 1 refers to the very bottom of the drug abuse, one thing went hand in hand: the suicidal unwillingness to manage  and the fact that  I did not want to “manage” it- I wanted to end it.  As painlessly as possible.

2.       Sorry…  I can let myself to be brainwashed. There is no magical power, that shall restore my sanity. Either I choose to do it or it won`t happen. Either I would be drugged by force in a psychiatric ward or I will choose to get sober.  Basically.

3.       Never, no way. THERE IS NO GOD, or if there is- my life is not worth living. It`s like admitting, that I am living in a fairy tale land, where I may end up in hell or in a cave with  the 12 gnomes…  Dopey, Sneezy, Snorty, Screwy, Horny, Methy, Cocky, Syringey…

4.       Yeah… I suck.  No- I am super! To cut it short- I`d like not to put a brand on my ass. I`m  doing my best to follow my own moral values, which generally  comply with the humanities’. I am good, basically and do not have a need to lable myself. I am a work in progress.

5. God, bla, bla, bla…. “the exact nature of our wrongs”. What kind of psychological non sense is this? Scary Shit. I believe it`s just at the step 5 that one trully gives up ones logic and reason and the whole shit becomes a cult.
6. Number 6 is so insanely ridiculous, that I won`t even try to contradict it. If you are with N6 and still think, that you are neither brainwashed, nor a part of a cult Still- whatever works for you..
7. WHAT??? Ok… I need to breath. “Him” or “Her” or “Homogeneous IT” will “remove” your faults? If you read my blog- I presume you can read. If you can read- you can think.  If  you can think- you must understand, that nothing or no one can “remove” all your faults. Interesting, how the 12 steps descent into a cult-religious like thinking. Step by step.
8. I`m sorry. That`s it.  Most of them will look at you googely eyed or just beg you to leave them alone. However I do understand the personal value or the exercise.
9. Sure.
10. Not a bad idea.
11.  And so it all goes to hell again…  Beelzebub! My lord, the Satan, please give me the strength and the magic powder to destroy the piece of shit, who calls herself Jesus!
12.  Sorry… I have not been brain washed yet. I have seen the others. Laughing at “a finger”. Hysterical laughter hours in a row at…. Nothing.  I was sitting there, watching my progressed 12 step brothers and sisters at an edge of hysterics, laughing their asses off…. “NOT ONE OF US, NOT ONE OF US!!!”,they must have though, seeing me with a pretend smile. I do laugh at jokes. I do love jokes. 12-steps party felt like a….

13.  I need to sleep. Let`s see if I get fired tomorrow or it will show, that no one of my bosses reads the blog.

Ta… ta…

1. Almost got fired. “The door of opportunity was closing fast”. I smelled weird (as in booze) and I wasn`t quite digging the whole corporate party. One can stretch ones lips in a faked smile only for so long… Then the pain starts shining through.  Maybe I should  “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”… Or myself… or themselves…  I can do it right now: I am a piece of shit. Leave me alone.