DRUGS A-Z

I proclaim myself as being burned out on a regular basis, when it comes to writing.  At times I even forget that the point of this blog is not all the fame and fortune, but killing time. Stabbing it repeatedly one finger at a time.

Big up to a doctor from the rehab I`ve been to; he said: “Don`t ever stop writing. Then he quoted the lead singer of one of the world`s biggest bands, who said, that he is done: every song has been written and he is running on empty. That was somewhere in the beginning of his 25 years long career. After that he has sold more CDs than there are people in Sweden.

New chapter ideas strike me as an association to something I hear or see on a daily basis.  ”Oh, wow! This was so true! I should write it down, but I don`t have to, since it`s so insightful- it cannot be forgotten. It can and it always is.

Not so long time ago I used to write several pages of mind blowing shit, wondering how many backups I should make to exclude any chance in the world of those gems disappearing. Next morning just to be hit by an intense anxiety: ”what the hell did I write?! What was I thinking?  Please let there be a www. crash, so that it`s all gone before anyone had a chance to read it…

Another aspect of it all is the fact that I am basically putting out the things that I wouldn`t even tell a cop or a saint. In a written form, available to anyone. What if I decide to become a politician or sell my soul in some other way? I guess this is a good way to secure that it will never happen.

I`ve threatened my audience with quitting, unless they grow in numbers and/or show some appreciation… It won`t happen. I will continue until I die. Or worse.

Till soon.

-Do you want to swap our teeth?  Just for tonight. I never liked my grinders that much.  Do you think she would notice if I get your pearliers?

-You have to be more assertive. You are doubting too much.  She is not for everybody- you have to be sure. You cannot doubt her- there is no going back. You won`t be able to live without her.  Not after you`ve been with her.

-Who the fuck are you by the way? And why are you whispering?  No one can hear you- you know that. You are beginning to worry me. I liked you better when you sat silent and not as close.

-Pay attention!!!- the uttered in his mind phrase felt like an explosion.
 Where was I…?  Oh yeah- I think she liked you- the way she smelled… Her tattoos… Her blond hair…  This doesn`t happen overnight, you know. Not in this humidity.

-No, really: who the hell are you?

-Have another one; it will refresh your memory.

- I still know that you are not real.

-If I wasn`t- could I do this? –The square root of the diagonal equals the summ of the length of the two opposite sides, divided by 2.  I bet you didn`t know that.

- Maybe I just forgot.

-Check.

-Ok, I trust you.

-Your mind is too lazy for your own safety.

-What would it change if I`ve proved you wrong?  You would still be sitting here.

- I know how to find her.

-Well, so do I then. I need to sleep.

-If you sleep now- I won`t be here when you wake up and you will never remember her name.

-I`m too tired to give a damn. 

-Dietholaproxidfermenzoidoetheropiochloride.

- Diet.  I`ll see you in a few days.

The new day to kill trespassed into his room, illuminating all the filth and misery he accumulated around him over the years.  He tried to cover his eyes with the grayish pillow, but it was too late- the cortisone, as an unstoppable alarm, was dragging him out of the cozy darkness into the unforgiving light.  Looking around to find any tangible evidence of the past night`s meeting was useless, but it did yield a ball of wrapped in a foil grass. Rolling a joint would be nicer, but hands were shaking too much to perform a decent job.  He emptied the ashes from the water bong`s cup into the beer can and filled it with weed without mixing it with the tobacco. Better for health this way, he noted sarcastically.  The water in the bong was beige with brown oily drops of tar, floating on the top. I wonder if one can smoke them. Actually he has tried. Many did.

  Before he even exhaled, as a sledge hammer, the feeling of melting relaxation pinned him on to his back. He tried to balance the water pipe in his violently shaking hand, but dropped it. The familiar stench of the cannabis sledge products filled in the air around him.   It will stay in there for weeks to come, but now he could start worrying about the bigger problem. The Diet.  He knew too much about her for her to be a pure fantasy, yet it sounded too good to be true.

The perfect drug, that takes over ones brain chemistry as a symbiotic organism, feeding of the neurotransmitters and their chemistry, boosting the production of all the right signal substances, to keep the body and soul in a perpetual ecstasy,.  Filtrating and suppressing all the stress, fear and pain, which were necessary, when the food had to be hunted and darkness was filled with predators, hungry for your flesh.  Now, in the age of the microwaves and climate control they were redundant.  It`s all about the balance- as soon as your body was to signal any physical or emotional discomfort- she would know to increase dopamine or suppress cortisone.  With some regular medical checkups for a missed problem, one would never have to feel the pain of any sorts again. As for the things as anxiety or depression- they probably signal the need to change something in one`s life, but he didn`t need to be reminded of it this way- specially that his was where he chose to be.   

 Diet may only be a myth, but it was too advanced such, to be purely a product of his delirium. Suddenly he felt an empty feeling, As if there was a vacuum in his solar plexus, sucking all air out of his lungs. What if something goes wrong? What if she gets a taste for fear or physical pain? She would still keep him alive in a perpetual hell. There was no one to ask, except for the mystery figure from the last night. He noted to himself that thinking of the man without a face as if he was real was a sign of insanity, however the guy knew too much to be simply dismissed. He will have to ask him.

 A?

Where am I? I need a fix…

This was the great fall- the original sin. It wasn`t the Adam and Eve`s “doing it” in the bushes.  As we still decide if sodomy, masturbation or bestiality are the sins of the downfall- it is the ultimate act of defiance that ticked of the creator. If there ever was One. Though may rob, kill and pillage in the name of Christ, but (literally) god forbid- take the matters into our own hands.

It begun with the greatest of the god’s angels: Lucifer.  A highly misunderstood persona: he wasn`t trying to take over the gods throne- he merely fought for the independence. He considered himself an equal of the creator.  If the “holy” book has taught us anything it must be that the history repeats itself. Replace the all mighty with the Social Democrats and blasphemy shall be replaced with the “anarchism”, as if the latter is something negative.

Even the most clever of the modern minds have said that “to change the world you must change yourself first”. Seriously? If I want to change the world, but choose to follow the wise advise and change myself first- wouldn`t I simply be adapting?  Once I have changed myself (adapted) - I would not want to change the world any longer.

I think the food costs way too much. I want to change the economy! –

-No, dear. Change your diet first.

-Hey- you are right! Now that I eat rise 3 times a day- I am not that hungry anymore! Eating chicken was wrong anyway- they are our sisters and brothers anyway. Thank You!

I reflected, being high on several drugs at once. Isn`t it precisely what we do, when we take a pain killer or a prescribed mood elevator?  We are taking the matters in our own hands on one hand- on the other we are adapting to the state, where nothing else matters. This is a first draft- let me at it, because there is some truth lying in it.

 There is not a problem in this whole universe that cannot be solved chemically.  The perception is reality and perception is controlled chemically. Signal substances and the hormones can change red into green and hot into cold. We perceive things through the chemical reactions in our brains…

And if there was such a thing as an “unsolvable” problem, it would be a strong indicator for increasing the dosage.

You can solve a problem in several ways:

1.  It’s some scary nasty shit that you have to do, which goes right against your principles.  Though shall not borrow, unless you can pay or though shall not steal half a grilled chicken in the supermarket…  

Solution: tranquilizers and/or alcohol. Something in the tranquilizers, that shuts off the part of the brain that is responsible for thinking about consequences, having moral values, remorse, compassion… Gone!

2.  You got to do it, but you just don`t want to.

Solution:  being the most common type of a problem, luckily it has a broad range of solutions. Depending on your tolerance level- painkillers, tranquilizers, amphetamines, GHB, GBA, GBL, Cocaine, Crack, Crank or even alcohol:  are the examples-, when righteously dozed are both inspirational and  generally uplifting.  Amphetamines work both as a motivator and the physical pick me up, needed to go out there and pay the bills.  Or look for a job. Or do stuff…

3.  There is a dead relative, your girlfriend dumped you, you are homeless- in other words there is a pile of problems that you can`t do a thing about.

Solution: this is the ultimate one- it is good for all and any problem, including the global warming, WW-III and that weird rush you got on your vein track. 

 The Opiates.  You may not have noticed, but morphine, fentanyl, opium, heroine, subutex, methadone, etc. don`t really take the pain away: you just no longer give a crap about it.

4.  BORED.  The root of all evil?  No, but it’s it`s the one, that any of my 30 chemicals is solvable by.  Be it a chemical to kill the worms in cats (yes, the cat deformer) or a thing that they strip the paint from the graffiti walls with- be it gasoline, ether, acetone, glue, a solvent, butane…. You won`t be bored.

5.  There are some minor problems in life left then?   As the modern medicine can do more or less whatever…  Are you not a loving husband? - 1 table spoon of GHB after lunch!  You are a selfish lover: 0,3g MDMA.  Are you boring? 0, 2 cocaine every 45-50 minutes, Lazy: amphetamines, a coward:  booze. There are even prescription medicines for the rest.

*The most addictive drug ever:  DEXOFEN 75 st white pills (about 20 times the prescription doze, but I just liked them so much…). 

You know how I`ve mentioned opiates being the “don`t give a fuck” drug? Well- the dexofen is like all that- a complete body and soul anamorphosis. I remember myself standing in front of the mirror, squeezing a pimple. At one point I`ve realized as in a scene from the “Exorcist”, that I`ve penetrated my skin and was more or less digging into the flesh with blood running down my cheek. That was the holy grail of the escapism. In some perverted way I felt liberated from the restrains of the physical body- there was no pain. Neither physical nor emotional- no matter what.  No fear, no pain.

There is a meteorite swooshing towards the Earth at sickening speeds Armageddon is coming:

Solution: 0, 15 poor quality heroine intravenously, the rest smoked.   

Result: it flew by e extremely close by, causing tsunamis and major earth quakes.  You were sleeping meanwhile.

See my point? I am sure you don`t. Either you`ve decided that I am glorifying drugs or have sold my soul to Satan.

In which case: read again.

What is the theoretical difference between us and the creator (god/goddess/gods)?

1. Ability to create/destroy, control and manage life.

-If we cannot do it yet, it`s only a matter of years. Genetic manipulation, anyone?

2. Control our emotions, feelings, intelligence- the things less tangible, yet the only ones that matter?

-2mg diasefedrin-hydrofenitolatinochloride after each meal.

There are the side effects, of course. There is a pill for those as well.  That is what being in control is about- dealing with those. Without a psychosis or a failing liver, it wouldn`t be much of a struggle. And as we all know: no pain no gain.

What the heck are you on about? - You may righteously ask.

Being an atheist, I still believe that the theological mythology has its historical grounds. I have mentioned that I believe that the apple of the Garden of Eden was a psychedelic fruit (idea much older than me) - the idea that I am pushing now however that is the story did not end there. Mind you- I am not propagating the drug use, just acknowledging it as the ultimate tool of life management.  My point is simply saying a few words against the hypocrisy. Drugs produce an excess of the naturally occurring chemicals in the brain, so do certain activities or the socially excepted drugs or certain types of behavior. We just can`t stand being as we are all the time. The “natural” state is the unnatural one. Everything else is just the time spent struggling to achieve those exceptional moments.   Just like gray is not a color, it is something that we spend lifetimes to color us out of. See what I mean? Even the most noble of the practices, such as the tantric sex, yoga or meditation are about mind alteration. Once we accept this side of our nature, I believe we can begin a new stage in our evolution.

Out matrix of being popular, healthy and rich has led one celebrity after another to insanity or suicide.     Seemingly we just can`t stand being in our own skins.

Also- remember:  aspirin, ethanol, caffeine, sugar are all the drugs that directly alter our reality. The indirect ways may include bungee jumping, gambling, sex, racing cars: basically any pleasure seeking.

I`ve heard an ex-cop tell: “Majority of the police joins the force for some idealistic and quite noble reasons. It lasts a few weeks, until it becomes a chemical dependency. The adrenaline rush, while making a bust can only be compared to the crack or meth injection and as with those drugs, the tolerance develops quickly. It is no longer enough to apprehend a disorderly drunk. Car chases, violent resistance, shootouts… Unless you get your fix- you just don`t feels right: depressed, irritated…”

We are the chemical beings, living in a chemical universe (we are made of stars, if you please). At the moment we have our socially accepted ways of altering our consciousness, while others are punishable by the law.

I`ve gone past comparing nicotine to marijuana- it goes deeper than the health issues. It`s a matter of time, before we can stimulate the dopamine receptors electrically or use the virtual reality as the ultimate escape.

Will we be then in the same place as the mythology`s Lucifer was once at? Having the “higher” authority telling us how far we can go?

Though shall not kill! Unless you are “eliminating an enemy threat”.

Though shall not steal, unless you are in a lucky position of having the right to pillage the natural resources.

Though shall… well- it all depends whom you ask, right?

We may not be the fallen angels and the authority is no longer resides in heaven, but the story is millennia long.

Thing is that the time to question is now. It has always been, but the god is dead and there are the new ghosts to battle.