I have SO much 2 say, yet I have hardly the strength to even be reading the replies. I suck. Give me some time to get my mind straight back… up (?) I will be back and I have tonns 2 say. Right now I have the synthetic heroine and the alcohol left to … fight?
The twelve steps, that shall save me, once I give in to the greater truth behind them.
As a new-bee, recovering and fucked up junkie, joining the 12-steps: you shall hear the mandatory and seemingly the most important for a rookie point: this is not a cult. We are not about worshiping a god. All that is eventually required is some sort of personalised spirituality, which may imply any kind of divine/higher power connection. You are free too choose your own god or even the absence of one. As long as there is some… Thing, larger than you. Contradictive? You haven`t heard a third of it.
I was a believer once in my life, so- in this chapter I shall name myself as an X; an X believer. A skeptic- to say the least.
Now, having gone through the weekly meetings for over 7 months, while having a kind of mini-meeting at my work, every single day: I truly, deeply, sincerely believe in the fact, that I am allowed to voice my opinion on the 12-steps. Mind you-a very personal point of view, of course.
So… Here I am- step by step.
1. Agree- my life has become unmanageable. Considering, that the step 1 refers to the very bottom of the drug abuse, one thing went hand in hand: the suicidal unwillingness to manage and the fact that I did not want to “manage” it- I wanted to end it. As painlessly as possible.
2. Sorry… I can let myself to be brainwashed. There is no magical power, that shall restore my sanity. Either I choose to do it or it won`t happen. Either I would be drugged by force in a psychiatric ward or I will choose to get sober. Basically.
3. Never, no way. THERE IS NO GOD, or if there is- my life is not worth living. It`s like admitting, that I am living in a fairy tale land, where I may end up in hell or in a cave with the 12 gnomes… Dopey, Sneezy, Snorty, Screwy, Horny, Methy, Cocky, Syringey…
4. Yeah… I suck. No- I am super! To cut it short- I`d like not to put a brand on my ass. I`m doing my best to follow my own moral values, which generally comply with the humanities’. I am good, basically and do not have a need to lable myself. I am a work in progress.
13. I need to sleep. Let`s see if I get fired tomorrow or it will show, that no one of my bosses reads the blog.
Ta… ta…
PAT RIOT ISM
”Wee the proud nation and we shall hold our heads high, as we are proud of…”
- What? -”He used to let them out in the field and then, riding his stallion , he went after them with a ”nagajka” –(a horse whip with a metal bolt at the tip- a simple weapon, able to slice like a knife and hit like a hammer) ”He”- was supposedly my grand-grand uncle and ”them” were ”the Jews”. His name was Zgerski-Kasho and the family myth was told by my grandfather. His whole life he told the stories of ”us” coming from an over-upper-class Russian aristocracy . The legends, confirmed by an 1800th hundreds photograph of a pre-pubescent kid, dressed in what looked like an outfit of a doll: white ”pantaloons”, with a black ”puffy” costume and a white color, under the surprisingly long hair for a kid of 5 or so years old. Specially considering that my grandfather (represented on the photo was bold as a knee). If you can imagine an IXXth century`s male doll, you may get the picture. This precious photo, although an original (pre-Photoshop), was his only proof of the glorious days, when a whole town was named ”Zgersk”, as the one belonging to ”Zgerski”- thus us. I was too young to feel pretty much anything, hearing those stories. No pride for the nobility, no rage against the anti-Semitic mini-”ZZ”, they had going, no disbelief. Nothing. As a 5-6 years old, I only remember getting an imaginary picture in my head of a bunch of naked men running through a field, chased by the horsemen. Killing them. As if whipping (instead of kositj, kosoy) them into dead- one by one. As a kid I`ve learned, that my true name should include ”Kasho”, but during the communist`s repressions a double name was a sign of aristocracy (as in pre- 1917 revolutions` ruling elite), which could easily lead to a working camp or even an execution. So my family has dropped it. According to the legend that is. My mother, however- she ”always knew”, that we were Jews. My round ass, my father`s multitude of talents: an artist, a musician, a writer- all the Semite`s typical trades. Being sober she loved it, while being drunk- she hated it in me. Judaism was the pretend, under which me and her (my mother) have tried to stay in Sweden. Jews are presumably hunted and persecuted anywhere and everywhere, so one needed no war to proclaim one`s self as a refugee. ”Pogrom” is an ancient Russian word, describing a whole villages taking to their axes and hummers to physically rid themselves of the Jews. My dearest mother tried to get some sponsorship for my higher education in exchange for our once a week visits to the synagogue. The rich Jewish community- a typical prejudice, actually held some truth: the money revolving within the Jewish community was astonishing. I remember watching dumbstruck as a couple of security guards literally were loading cash into a minivan. Those many millions must have been the one week`s donations` worth. In the end we ended up staying in Sweden as the result of the 1994 amnesty- everyone got to stay. Turks, Yugoslavians, Arabs, Russians- no matter what you problem was. It was the day that I felt a certain relief in being able to drop this mask of belonging to a religion or a culture, that I knew absolutely nothing about. I never got any educational sponsorship from the ”Jews”, while my father, who also moved to Sweden… He, contradictory to our ”ancestral nobility” has fought for the Israel, against the Palestine, as a journalist. To simplify the matters. Being a columnist in the Soviet’s equivalent of the ”Times” magazine, he wrote one specific article on the theme. It could be compared to writing a pro-terrorist-Jihad-Al-Qaida page in the American version. He stood for the Jew`s rights to have their own land, while the USSR were generally siding with the Muslims in this case. Bare with me- all of this is coming straight to the point. Consider it a prologue. Thanks to those articles, eventually he has lost all of the imaginable favors and benefits as an excellent ”Arabic journalist” from amongst others the Saudi Arabian. Money, respect, career advances- all were lost. My mother was furious, seeing him throwing away every chance at a care free future for the whole family for something that he described in his idol`s quote: ”If the Jews shall be the ones persecuted- I shall proclaim myself to be a Jew”. It was a confusing ride of the soul searching. We were presumably these ancient bunch of Russian/Polish aristocrats. My father dedicated his life to studying the Arabic language and working amongst others in Egypt, where I was born. Then he fucked it all up, siding with Israel. My step father, whom my Mom married, when I was about 6, was an ultra intelligent, conspiracy-theory-historically driven anti-Semite and also an Arabist. I remember as a kid, hearing as a consolidation from him and my Mother: ”you are Russian- don`t worry. In the Judaism one can only be counted as a Jew, if one has a Jewish mother and my mother was a Russian/Arian as it goes. Thus, as a 6-7 years old I had quite a plate full in my mind. I`ve learned on the emotional level by then, that being a Jew is something to be ashamed of. I did not know anything of their history or religion and by all counts I was not one of them! It`s just as if in my head I had a fascist caricature of a skeleton-like Jew, with a crooked nose, a phony smile and a sack of money, stolen from the Nobel Arian/Russians. Took me years to almost get rid myself of this image. A freedom fighter for the Jewish nation, a respected member of the community, whose articles are still easily can be found on the net: just type Dimitry Zgersky. (* Seemingly the Microsoft`s Word contains my family name. Underlining in red as a mistake “Zgersky” is actually “Zgerski” when fixed ) My father died, while I was in prison. I wasn`t allowed to come to his funeral ceremony. Except that there wasn`t one, as I found out later. The first time I did visit his grave, was almost a year later. I found myself standing on a tiny 2×4 meters plot of mud, hidden behind a few private villa`s in the outskirts of Göteborg, in front of a piece of a card board. The name, written with a permanent marker has washed away by the nordic acid rains. All I could see was a hardly defined letter ”Z”. His legacy. My family, my name. Hamsters and cats often get at least a piece of rock with a name. Sponsored by the Synagogue, the Jews- those, he risked his freedom and sacrificed his opportunities of wealth for. Believing himself not to be a Jew, he still fought for their rights- just to be fair, he thought. At the time I begun studying the secret society`s legacies. You know- if you look at a dollar bill really closely: you will see the pyramid, with the eye within the triangle under which it says “the new world order”. Yeah- all that, you know… My father has spent the last of his days in the “The Temple of The Free Mason” building, crowned with the same eye in the pyramid. A long story… Investigating it would be like an Indiana Jones without the treasures, but with all imaginable ass kicking. I may venture this path one day, but for now I`m too big of a nobody to begin investigating the secret orders. For the first time I felt a nationalistic rage, without a nation,- staring at that piece of this disintegrated ”post it” note, commemorating a great man`s life. Man, who did more for the Jews, than all of the Russian/ pretend–Jewish refugees in Sweden combined, was commemorated by them with absolutely nothing?!! A piece of cardboard? I never cared how if at all I may be buried. Burned, fed to dogs, rot in a forest- as a dead person I would probably not care much. Yet- the whole ceremony of the last farewells wasn`t my idea and since it was there- my dad has deserved it. I stopped and thought. Who the fuck am I then? Born as a no one will ever prove for sure: the Russian nobility or a Polish Jew? Both or neither? My grandmother was Finish, so by the Jewish standards my father wasn`t a Jew, even if he tried. I was born in Egypt, from the Russian parents, yet first came to Moscow at the age of 5. I have lived in Sweden for more than half of my life, while hitting puberty in Lebanon as a 14-year old (step father worked there). At the age of 17 my Australian artist and history teacher, but most of all my mentor have said: ”I`ve met a lot of Russians. I know Russians. You are not Russian” At my upcoming narcotics trial I am signed in as a ”man without a state - stateless”. PRIDE, BLOOD and the TEAR TATTO of being RUSSIAN We- the Russians are the proud nation! A simple patriotic statement, that has so much manure to nourish it. *History Of course- it is a knight on a white horse, slaying a dragon, that represents us. Our proud tricolor is our flag. -The Russian flag, as you may have noticed consists of 3 colors- the very same used by the French, amongst others. It has been re-adapted in the post communist Russia, being historically a navy trading-ship flag. Still: it`s a mighty powerful symbol, that makes people tear up. Our hymn is a rewritten text to the Social United Republic`s melody`s one. We were screwed by the world`s banks for 100 years ago to instigate the revolution and we are still getting screwed by the same secret societies if you choose to believe this. Maybe the more mandarin truth is that any country and any nationality is the way it is due to the climate, geography and the dumb luck. The first ones providing the physical nourishment, whilst the matter of chance may do the rest. -The actual facts are: we were besieged and concurred and fucked by the Tartar-Mongols (yes, the tiny north tribes of today, from whose name ”mongo”, meaning retarded Swedish word is derived. -We were so good at killing ourselves, (not by the Swedish 80-es suicidal path, but the tribal warship) and actually so stupid, that at one time we were forced to beg a foreign king to take over, before we were to annihilate ourselves completely. -Slaver, Slavic- a word, that touches every Russian`s patriotic nerve actually means ”a slave” in the Nordic languages. -We won the WWII! Barely. As well as with the Napoleon- it was mostly the brutal Russian winter, that has frozen the enemy. Not the ”genius” general Zhukov`s strategic intelligence- the most famous military leader was actually famed for slaying his own troops, by throwing them as if they were the snowflakes in a snow-ball fight. -The world had its Ch’ing Gis Khan, Alexander the great, Napoleon, Hitler and so on- those that came close to ruling the entire world- whether in their ambitions or by the fact. Empires were created and destroyed. British empire, for example- once ruling from South Africa to Australia, from America to Canada, from India to Ireland. The tiny Britain. Russians? No- nothing of the sort. We may pride ourselves on our peace loving nature then, except we were never peaceful- the very creation of the ”Russians” as a nation, comes as a result of the brotherly slaying in the tribal wars gone out of control. We just lacked the brain and the ambition to turn our bloodlust into a successful imperialistic plan, but we still often pride ourselves on our ware some nature. There is not a time in the Russian history when we weren`t at war with somebody- least of all with ourselves. To be fair- this is our legacy- being too big for our own good. Containing within our borders every imaginable culture and religion, race and nationality. Another, more critical point, that I am leading to is that I love to piss people off. If you tell me it`s black- I`ll rip another one, trying to prove it`s white. Honestly- I don`t care for the nations or countries. I am against patriotism. That is my major point. Russia may be called the greatest nation ever just as easily- both culturally and scientifically. What I am getting at is an attempt to understand the nature of patriotism- the feeling of pride and superiority, connected to one`s nationality. Yes- in my point of view nationalism and patriotism are no further apart than the two sides of the same coin, with fascism as a cant… cunt. -We lost the Finland and the Afghanistan wars- the tiny countries, to say the least, comparing to the world`s largest. Us! No- not U.S.- us! -We are a proud folks! No we are not. We loved the iron hand to steer us to anything from killing/selling out our own brothers to sucking metaphorically our own dicks. We served a monarch after a monarch as the complete slaves, living in shit, until the communism came. Then it got worse. Science: -Yes! The first object, animal, man, woman in space. The first vehicles on the moon and the probes on the Venus and Mars. Because we were smart? Yes, but mostly because of the Cold War. Every year at the Red Square parade, we, as if the result of the classic ”short penis” complex, we were showing off our humongous nuclear rockets. Just to balance out the scale- same time the Americans were executing the brightest and the bravest (M.L.King, J.F. Kennedy, John Lennon etc.) and beating the crap out of the “damned hippies” for voicing their pacifistic opinions. Culture: Classic is the word for our culture. Literature, that is a euphemism for boredom as the ”War and Peace”. Famed for the doom and gloom is our literature. Brilliant nevertheless. While Peter thje first brought us some European culture, the commies fought hard to clear the nation from any intellect. So- it goes in waves. Up`n down- you win some, you loose some. None of our artists are famed for being groundbreaking. Not a single new, revolutionary movement comes to mind, when thinking of our art. There is no Van Goth, Alfonse Mocha, Picasso, Salvador Dali, Andy Warhol… We were good, excellent- yet conventional. Technically superior, but so is a 20 Mg pixels digital camera. Music: Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff… Yeah, yeah- pop music amongst the classics. Normal. Nothing out of line. Good. Very good. When it comes to the actual modern pop music- it`s an embarrassment. First we were fed with the pseudo-folklore tunes ”oy-babu-oy-lu-li, mu la-luli-zaveli” during the USSR times, replaced by such a poor quality modern music, that even the most of the patriotic Russians can`t stand the shit. All of a sudden we got a glimpse of the true pop talent, combined with an interesting image: 2 lesbian teenage girls of ”Tattoo”, with their beautiful hit: ”They not gonna get us”. Soon to show that they were not lesbian teens and all of their very essence, including the hits were produced by an American. Russian TV. You have to be Russian to experience the true boredom and the lack of originality or talent. Surely- remaining the largest country in the world, we must have and still produce some talent! Yes- we do! By the pure chance we must! However if we were to be compared to the world- our greatest achievements are our war gadgets. Not even those- the Migs airplanes and the Kalashnikov were long surpassed. Still- patriotism is strong within us. *A foot note: don`t you get cocky. American`s, with their illiterate, over religious, racist toothless hillbillies, voting for a coke-sniffing retard, such as G.W.Bush, - TWICE are not exactly the role models. Nor is the brainwashed, robotized Japan with the number 1 suicide rate- reason mostly being work-related. Or the glorious Sweden, slowly selling out to the American empire- bit by bit, selling its` very essence, becoming yet another Americanized whore, “doing it for the dollar”. Sports: A subject so far to me that I can take it as a cold case example, or rather a model of patriotism. We were number one at hockey! In fact still- 30 years later, I meet young Swedes, who remember the team member`s names. Sport is an excellent example of how a nation can feel superior for the fact, that they have a man, who was born within the countries’ borders, who is exceptionally good at hitting a round plastic puck with a bent wooden stick. As for the Russians- I just made an example of a reverse patriotism. I can do the same the other way: Russia is the world`s greatest, largest and most peaceful empire. We are the most educated, culturally as well as scientifically nation in the world. We are every religion, nationality, race and culture imaginable, living peacefully under one roof. Except that both of the statements are bull shit and are here as the examples to the main theme: PATRIOTISM: I always wondered- as a patriot or a nationalist or a right wing extremist- what is it exactly you pride yourself in? Being born in a certain place at a certain time from a certain couple of people? Where is your part in this? I assume (as I believe any sensible human being does)- pride is derived from something that we deserve- an accomplishment, a deed. I may be proud of my children by proxy, for I took quite an effort to raise them. I am even being proud of my grand children, but I cannot pride myself in my parents. Much less can I feel superior for the shade of my epidermis or the geographical point of my birth? I am, however not free from this ridiculous pride either. Meeting a ”new-age” mysticism freak, I`d feel a certain joy, telling that I was born only a few miles from the great pyramids of Giza and that I am the Dragon by the Chinese calendar: something that women tightly squeezed their vaginas, to hold the kid inside a few minutes more, until the time shifted to another sign. Such as I am- a Millennium Dragon. Or the fact that I am the first of the Zodiac signs. I don`t believe in astrology in the conventional way, still- I find myself grabbing at these meaningless facts… I wrote”Millennium Dragon” with the capital letters, without even thinking. In other words- I am in no way above these feelings of superiority, based on a pure universal chance or in other words- a roulette, with black and white. Still- I realise how ridiculous they are and I never express them outwards. It must be as natural as breathing- to look for self confirmation and so on, however I shall leave this to the psychologists. To summarize my whole being a “Pirat Party” member, an anarchist and all that… As always- there is someone, who have said it better. A couple of thousands of years ago, in fact- half a century before Jesus. ”Beware the leader, who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. As the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the power. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so! How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar.” Julius Caesar
Here is an update to the point: recently was The day that the Pirate Party proclaimed it selves’ as the winners. Hitting only 7% in the European assembly, we still have beaten several others parties, who have been at it for decades. We, the “pirates” however haven`t been existing long enough to even take a lungful after being born. We, who stood for the freedom, integrity and the good old “fuck off” to the State, bugging our phones, watching and potentially recording our every move… Or proclaiming every second teenager as a criminal for sharing the culture, information and knowledge…Think I`m joking?
Well- a little bit maybe, in the sense, that I don`t take pretty much anything too seriously, even the imposing doom. Here is the near future (within 10-25 years) in my own view, as always- I am not copying or following anyone`s ideology, however my ideas may agree very much with the others` (what do you call me? An extremist, an anarchist, an ultra-liberal, a punk piece of shit?) :-
1. Every new born child will be implanted with a tracking device-a chip, that is injected hypodermically. People will beg for it as a response to the multimedia hysteria about the “rising numbers of” missing kids for example or the good old pedophiles in Europe/Terrorists in USA. The chip will allow every individual to be tracked-position wise as well as his/her identity and transactions: purchases made, money withdrawn, books/films rented. This will be summoned into a database, which works on a key-word recognition. Extreme examples being: names of explosives, drugs, extremist political organizations. A profile then is automatically created, based on the choices one makes, down to a kind of food one purchases. Are you a vegan? Watch out- you are a potential extremist, capable of sabotage or at most- even a terror acts, thus making you an enemy of the present state. The profile shall be automatically categorized into a different “security risk” levels. The top one being a terrorist, while somewhat lower ones may include anarchists, down to a vegetarian, a feminist, a drug-liberalist, an environmental activist, left or right, anti-racist, a communist or an animal rights activist- in other words ANYTHING that is not in an exact mold of the “proper citizen”. All of the mentioned were the kind of people, who participated in the demonstrations of the G8 meeting in Gothenburg, when the police shot to kill. (Read “Bring me a riot). According to these data base labels one shall be watched over by the state. Close, closer, closest.
2. “I have nothing to fear!”- you may say: I live my legal proper life and don`t ever go against… Anything. The problem is that the technology already exists and in whose hands it may fall is the question of time and history. Today you may be a proper citizen, simply caring for your environment, maybe being a bit against the/a war and pro- abortion as well as gay marriage, let us say. Tomorrow you may be proclaimed an enemy of the state for those very ideas.
3. Think it`s too farfetched? Think again. I come from the Soviet Union- the world`s arguably most powerful empire at one time. We (the Soviets) have killed 20.000.000 people of our own citizens- for them disagreeing with the state`s policy. All the technology that they had at the time was the miserly bugging the telephone conversations, reading the private correspondence (snail mail) and the actual spying after the suspects. Note: we, the Russians were mostly supporting this regime- brothers were killing brothers, while my grandmother cried like hell, when Stalin died. Majority did. I believe in three things:
-History teaches us nothing. Whether it`s due to our dumb nature or the nature of our dumbness:
-History repeats itself, going as a spiral in circles, reaching a new turn and a new level in many ways, yet, still going in circles. Perceiving things best “visually”- I would describe the evolution/history as a 3 dimensional expanding spiral. ;-))))
-History, however may allow us to prepare ourselves for the future. Not the same as allowing us to learn from our mistakes, but it may however give us a glimpse of the shit to come.
4. The laws change fast, without people authorizing or voting for them. It is no longer necessary for the state to suspect you of a crime to start bugging your phone, mail, search your house, take a urine test etc. Presumption of innocence is no longer. One has to prove, that one has not committed a crime, one is suspected for, instead of otherwise. Guilty, until proven innocent becomes more and more common in the juridical practice.
Meanwhile the the “False flag” operations are all around us in the media: pedophiles, terrorists, drug cartels, gangs, slave trade, and many more hysterias in the media lead to people saying (and I quote) “To save/keep the liberty, one must sacrifice ones freedom.” You will be scared into injecting your kid with a GPS tracking device, you will allow and even beg the government to track your every move, to record your every mail and conversation in order to save you from the “evil” others. From the enemy. The enemy being decided by the media: Muslims, smokers, prostitutes, Green Peace activists, terrorists, graffiti painters, vandalizes, foreigners, hackers, and many more. You will be convinced that the rape, murder and theft by the Muslims (because they are like that) is on the rise one day, while that the Russian mafia is taking over the next. Result? As I`ve mentioned several times before- fear and begging for more control. The Big Brother society will not be installed upon us- we shall beg for it. Or rather be scared in to it.
5. Question is that- what happens when you suddenly find yourself on the wrong side of the fence? With your less green grass. Power, the ultimate power of the total control is a sweet deal for those at the tip of the top. Money and power. Two things, that eventually lead to the corruption and slavery.
6. Technology and the laws are already here- present and working. Yet, you may believe that you and your kids are safe, just because of the common sense.
Look back… no- look around and analyze what is happening around you. Countries, that are famed for their freedom- USA and the post communist Russia being the world`s greatest empires. In the first one the journalist were getting fired left and right for disagreeing with the Bush`s administration’s policy. To be less than an a nationalist, right wing pro-war patriot was almost equal with siding with the terrorists. Same time in the new, free Russia, the journalists were simply getting murdered for…
7. For… You see- that should not matter. What for one is fired, murdered or put in an insane asylum .
She is an anarchist lesbian Satanist, militant vegan 18 year old girl, who just had an abortion and loves anal sex and charges cash for it, while strongly promoting things like legalization of LSD and THC and euthanasia same time leaning towards the communist ideology. Let`s say it is my daughter.
8. In the paragraph above there are at least 7 “key” words, that are automatically “red flagged” by the international system, called Echelon (existing in Sweden as well). The computerized monitoring system is scanning, as I`ve mentioned for the key words. The computer program later determines the level of menace, judging by many factors. The words themselves, how often they occur, in which combination (say a name of an explosive combined with a major governmental building`s name, followed by, say “There is no god, besides the Allah”. This is automatically scanned with the database: from whom to whom was the mail addressed- checking up on the criminal records and the general information about the person. Nationality, religion, occupation- all is done automatically by a computer program. If the “red flag” code pops up on a higher levels of the security breach- the person starts to be investigated by the secret services.
9. Yet again- you may say: how wonderful! The world will be a safer place for us and for my kids, -the decent, good folks; not like that bitch in the # 7. Thing is that my daughter may be that “bitch”, while the governments and rules change, I hope you trust me that the technology for the most brutal dictatorship ever known to the humankind already exists and partially at play.
10. Point?
a) Think for yourself. Analyze- be engaged, vote, read.
b) Take it seriously. Be paranoid. Just because you are paranoid- doesn`t mean that they are not out to get you. (A quote by Bob Dobbs) Not like the global warming, aids, running out of the fresh water, WW-III or Apocalypse. Those are the things you can`t really do much about to prevent or you will probably die, before they may kill you. As a European- I would say that within our life span (being, say between 20 to 35 now) the question of the dictatorship creeping up on us is the absolutely the biggest and most present danger if we are to allow it. Consider this chapter as a part 2 of the ”How Your Kid Can get You Busted”)
As a junkie, I have been surrounded by junkies. One thing I`ve noticed is how damned talented we are. Artists, musicians, dancers, book keepers or screw drivers- we, ALL as people have a desire, a dream, a talent, a hobby or simply an ability of looking good on camera…
That`s the point of my project: we are not worthless.
Join us. Mail me. I need: cameras, girls, boys, microphones, computers, artists, musicians, writers, dumb-asses,- I need you all. Cause all of you have got something to give.
WE WANT YOU!!!
Reacruit your ass now!
Name of the film? S (sound of mixing paint, then the spraying) “SPRAY” PRAY; alt. SP…RAY?
First 5 minutes of the film:
Gray, gray and gray flashes by the windows of a tram. Columns under the bridges, industrial walls, ghettoes, asphalt, concrete, cement, parking lots- all the rainbow shades of gray. Maybe faces of the people- also gray and diffused, unfocused, dull.
Eventually coming into a tunnel (one before Chalmers) and gradually turning black, when a bright yellow lettering appears one by one: “SPRAY”. A slight pause between the letters:”S” and the…
Sound: -Industrial minimalistic techno. The sound of the tram wheels going as the prime beat with a high volume background sound of a spray can( the metal ball shaking to mix the paint, then the ssssshh- both are remixed into the main soundtrack: bum, bum, bum, above the chtchshhh, chtchshhh, chtchshhh of the wheels, topped by the metal ball bouncing in the can. All the live samples, except for the heavy industrial beat-120Bpm).
Eventually using a word play either with” pray” or ”ray” by making a secondary pause between SP and RAY.
CCostume design (scene 1): Use the riot hood-jacket (Vexed Generation; I got one to lend for the film) with a full-zip-up, so that the face is completely covered up. Get an interview with a heavy feeling of Mujahedeen terrorists interrogation:
DDark grayish room. A person is sitting tied to a chair, wearing the riot gear, covering the face. The interrogator’s voice:
–What`s your name? (Middle aged man)
-My name matters not. I am whatever you call me. I am your child and we are an army.
-What the fuck do you mean?
-What do You mean? (stressing on “you”)
-Fuck off…
-You too.
-U2? Have you heard their song-”in the name of love”? (asking with a softer voice; an attempt of establishing “the connection” with a teenager)
-Yeah… It’s all right… (sounding bored)
-So… You know that what you`re doing is illegal?
-It`s kind of the whole point, amongst others… (pause) - If it had been legal- it would be just another chore and not much to talk about, now would it?
-I assume then, that you are not that excited about the city offering you punks a few walls for the legal graffiti?
-No, excited am I not. The whole point would be lost. It would be the city wall decoration. Another job. May it be more creative than screwing two metal planks together, pretending to be a machine. Still- it wouldn`t be quite the grafitti as we love it.
-So… What is graffiti then?
-I can tell you what it`s not for a starter… It`s not a public property destruction. Nor it is a form of vandalism. We are not sabotaging anything. Although maybe we should be, you brainwashed fucks. It is however an artistic expression of the free spirit- of an individual standing against the conveyer belt. You know- the one Henry Ford presumably invented- paving the million miles long high way of concrete… Yeah- you wouldn`t get it if you tried.
-What Do you mean, you tricky dickey piece of shit?
-Sir! Please be so kind as not to express though self in this manner! This art form is a true folk-art amongst others. It is raw, it is true, it`s in your face and most important- its available to anyone with a pair of balls. Girls included.
-So the point is to be unsanctioned, uneducated, provoking, underground and illegal?
-You are beginning to get the point. Uneducated is a bit harsh, but if you mean an art college- so yes: un flipping educated.
-Aren`t you alienating the majority of your audience by this?
-Yet again- that`s the point. Our audience are the conveyer belt workers on their way to do a job, that a machine in China will replace them with any day. Faster and cheaper.
We provide them on their way to screwing the screws- with a glimpse of something colorful, outrageous, provoking, mind boggling… While we don`t even get payed for it.
- Wait till we`re done- I`ll give you “pay”. You will be paying till you`re retired for all the property destruction… So… You are fighting for IT to be decriminalized, yet you say that the whole point of it is being outside the law, to be underground?
-I didn`t say that we are fighting for the decriminalization. If anything that can make us stronger, bigger and better- it is the cops chasing us, hopefully beating the crap out of us with their wonder telescopic-sticks.
-What`s tagging?
Check the Wikipedia. It`s kind of irritating that we are seen as the same- whether it`s a beautiful piece of art or a word “Cunt”, tagged on a back of a seat on a tram- it`s all the same in the blind eyes of the justice.
-So- graffiti is an art form, while tagging is the shit, that you got nothing to do with?
-I tagged. Graffiti and tagging has the same roots, the same spirit. Perhaps not the same goals or tallent, but still- sure: we are somewhat connected. Both are the folk art at its basics. Latter may be more about marking a territory- like a dog pissing in small portions- here and there.. One may discuss whether the tagging is an art form as well as I may wonder why people pay 12000000 for a picture of a can of beans. ( Andy Warhol)
Still- people are so ridiculously attached to their gray boxes, that they are angrily ready to call the cops on their own kids to… Stop “the writing on the wall”. Tagging scares many shitless and I love it.
-Yeah. People are afraid of the unknown and the tagging represents in many shrunken minds the criminal world.
-Excuse me… Are you playing a “good cop” or really beginning to get the point?
Well… It is criminal. Have you seen the” FUPS” tags all over the town? It stands for Fuck You, Police State!
No- just kidding: I don`t know what it stands for. It is shit big though… I can understand why people feel threatened by the shit like this. I think it`s kinda cool actually… The scale, the number, the placing, the font, the envious nature of it all…
-Fuck Ups? Who are they?
-I`ll try to find out, but I won`t tell you. They seem to be the biggest taggers in town and the FUPS must stand for something. That`s another point: what`s that all about? A criminal gang? A political group? A cultural community? A bunch of “fuck ups”? Whatever- still more interesting than the shades of suicidal gray .Work-consume-procreate-resume.
-Are you done, you shit face?
-NO. I`ll be back. An Army of us will fight your GBL spraying piece off…
The first scene- done.
*To find the largest gray concrete wall in Sweden – a nuclear plant?
*Vilka är “grafitti jägare?” Talk to them
*Generally contrast the first 20 minutes of the gray concrete suburbs and the ghettoes with the best of graff- the examples.
*A hidden camera piece: a kid going to buy red and black spray cans. Preparation for vandalism? Can a 13-year old buy one without being asked for ID, or is it like buying booze?
*Interview with “P.” or “”B”- the old boys from the early 90-es graffiti. A lot of interviews as long as it’s not boring.
*Take a few taggers from the ghettoes as well as the true artists.
* Film an actual graffiti in progress. Choose the best ones for that. Of course!
*Girl grafittie artist- must be found!
* What is the expressional desire behind the paint? – Political? Show off? Criminal? Boredom? Getting laid? Artistic expression? Marking the territory?
*”Scene: a kid getting busted, denying that he has painted the wall, while having a print-off on the back of his jacket. Same, but with the finger prints?
* Michael Angelo’s sixteen’s chapel as a graffiti… An older dude with a beard,sneaking at night, painting a classical/religious mural with the spray cans. An insertion of a simple MS presentation-animation.
*Drug jokes: GHB/GBL, as well as sniffing the paint- getting busted with a paint on ones nose? Red nose, like the Rudolf?
*An image: a guy getting busted for spraying a concrete gray wall with an exact shade of the same gray.
*Find out who the FUPS are and build the tagging theme on that. To proclaim once existence?
*An old lady getting tagged on a tram. An animal getting tagged?
*A 5 step tutorial for graffiti: how to hold the can, mixing the colors, secure painting: cops/ toxic fumes.
*Short interview with a police department: when/how it becomes illegal . Perhaps some “confusing” questions: (what/when/how is illegal legal to paint with a can?)
-If I am tagging my own house?
-If I am tagging/desecrating a grave, but with a consensus of the deceased
-If I am painting a huge penis with “fuck off you… cunt!” in the huge lettering on the roof of my villa, after my wife has dumped mua?
-Ecologically speaking? Maybe some curious fact, like that a can of spray is more deadly than the mosquitoes spray and would eradicate the malaria or some other non sense?
-Film someone elders spraying, like my mother
-Graffiti:
a) art
b) tagging (name)
c) advertisement (web address as a tag on a tram)- legally-what happens?
d) political (cccp)
e) true vandalism: repainting the road signs, house numbers, car plates red to green on the crossings etc: no one does it- the true vandalizing?
f)painting a yard ugly?
g) The issue of fear. Vandalism, crime, gangs etc.
h)
“Fake” demonstration pro-graffiti (Pirate party boys n girls?)
A bit about the history of graffiti its styles and techniques. www.graffitiart.com? Music and the graff, style (clothing)style (living).
*The last scene: an graff artist is asked a question. For example the mural, painted live in the movie is completed, when the camera man asks the artist:
-Did you get the permission to paint here?
-Instead of answering, the guy sprays black over the lens (plastic film over first), thus leaving the whole debate “open” for the viewers. As a joke, the camera man may repeat the question in the dark and get a kick between the legs: “cr ouch!”
-Buy and mix RGB colors: red, green ,blue? Or CMYK? To show the difficulty with graff: one cannot shade or blend the colors.
-10 minutes of the film is the street interviews:
.
-Graffiti in the Moscow metro? Why not? - Because it would be like shitting in a museum; so maybe this is the answer: stop building the city so ugly.
- The grayer, the ghettoes it gets- the more graffiti it is.
THIS IS THE FIRST DRAFT/SKETCH OF THE SCRIPT FOR THE FILM. IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING-A ONE DAYS WORK.
PLEASE MAIL OR COMMENT ANY IDEAS OR CRITICISM IN SWEDISH- IF YOU CONTRIBUTE ENOUGH- I WILL MENTION YOUR NAME AS A CO-PRODUCTION MANAGER DIRECTOR`s ASSISTANT OPERATOR. C+MON- IM DOING IT FOR FREE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THE CAUSE, SO DO CONTRIBUTE IF YOU RE UP 4 IT!
OH YEAH- THIS IS IT. FOLLOWING A FEW OF MY FRIEND`S ADVICE`S I WILL NOT PUT OUT ANY MORE MATERIAL. IT`S JUST TOO GOOD- SO THIS IS A SAMPLE. ENJOY AND PLEASE ADD/CRITISIZE IN SWEDISH. I STILL THINK THAT THE FILM WILL BE MOSTLY IN SWEDISH.
Here is why I don`t like them, don`t trust them and generally afraid of them, even when leading an honest crime-free life.
Before getting into some amateurish, yet serious psycho-sociological debate here is how I got my phobia of spiders and police.
I, my dad and my older brother were taking a walk through a Tivoli park in a small town, where we were on a summer vacation. The park was closed for some reason and my dad told me to watch out for the cops or the security guards. It was probably a joke, but as a 6 year old I took it upon myself as a serious mission to be on a look out. I don`t think I understood it then, but we were trespassing after all.
I`ve climbed up on a motionless carousel and was walking around it on a small ledge, with my face a couple of centimeters from the center column. After a few steps, being quite tense, as I was trying to hold the balance and having the lookout job in the back of my mind… I took one more careful side step, when I was faced with two seemingly giant spiders on my eye level, millimeters from my nose.
-”They are coming!!!” – I screamed in horror, having lost any ability to think for a second. Police coming to bust us, as an expected terror, got somehow mixed with seeing the 6 legged bastards. A sheer horror and panic- like you may experience if you are feeling tense in a silent room, when hearing a loud bang.
Since then I am afraid of spiders and cops. I have an arachnophobia, but my relations to authority may actually have developed more gradually.
I remember as a kid, seeing my uncle paying the traffic police to get out of any kinds of trouble. “Implied” drunken driving, speeding, picking up a whore, having US dollars in his pocket and generally driving a 2000/ Soviet monthly salaries-worth BMW etc.
I was still a child, when I watched the cops beating a crap out of a teenage petty thief. As a teenager I got a few slaps and kicks on my ass. Still all that is nothing traumatic and definitely not nearly enough to develop my present attitude.
My parents may not have installed a respect for the authority, but neither have they taught me to hate the cops. However what they did was to encourage me to read books by their own example. I think that laid the grounds to the ever-questioning mind. Depending on the books, of course.
My first hands on experience was during the Gothenburg`s G8`s riots, where I saw the pure, unchained hatred towards the peaceful demonstrators. I saw the police working together with the neo-Nazis to pour as much violence and physical abuse on the”flower-power” activists as was possible to get away with. And more… Read ”Bring me a Riot” chapter for the details, including the police shooting to kill at us, who had nothing with the property destruction to do (as if that would make it all right!).
I will stop my personal recollections here, because it is not my multiple arrests and even the jail time, which formed my relation to the cops. Actually I was treated mostly very fairly and decently, when actually breaking the law. My grudge is not personal.
In the early 70-es New York 3 quarters of the NYPD were convicted in participating in the heroine trade. Similar numbers showed up in the LAPD`s cocaine trade in the 80-es. When the official numbers are 3 out four policemen convicted- it implies that basically 100% were either involved in one way or were in it with their silent approval and/or on the pay role. History teaches us nothing- a simple fact of life. Besides- what one is supposed to do? To completely distrust the very people, who are paid to protect one from the chaos and mayhem? Of course not: one chooses to believe that those cases and those countries or states and those times are fluxes, complete exceptions from the rule. And the rule is that cops are good and honest.
Recent hidden camera recording shocked the innocent Sweden a few month ago. It showed a couple of policemen talking to each other, using harshly racist expressions, such as: “fucking niggers this, stinking Turks that”.
-How awful! - The Swedes thought. Strangely not once have I heard even a surface analysis of the matter.
So here it is: The two policemen were talking to each other amongst the group of their colleagues in a 12-man riot car. A simple fact, that means, that this kind of racism is a norm amongst the local “serve and protect” boys. Otherwise they would never have dared to speak in that manner. Ask any Turkish or a black kid from a ghetto and they will tell you that police are extremely racist. Not because the cops all look like the Arian brotherhood, but because the ghetto folks with darker skin KNOW it and have experienced it on their own brownish skin.
In the case of the heroine trade scandal in New York it took one insanely honest policeman. I stress the word”insanely”, as he not only refused multimillion dollar bribes (which would be Honest enough), but went alone against the world with his life at stake. By some miracle he survived almost 10 years, being hunted by both the narcotics mafia and the police force. He knew that he was fighting the war that cannot be won: the amount of drugs kept on growing, while the number of crooked cops… Well- what do you think? Do you think that it`s something special with the New York`s humidity, that made them turn rotten?
Here is what I think:
As the religious people are in no way more moral than the non-believers, so are the police are no angels, because of their job- on the contrary!
While they are just as human as some of us: violent, dishonest, greedy, addictive, power-tripping, abusive, racist etc. They are different in a few points:
a). They have a gun (having a gun changes ones psyche- try simply shooting a few rounds) Really: try! Now imagine this m.-fucker refusing to stop, while reaching into his pocket… Even by the book-you shoot.
b). Their work is to look at the populous as the potential criminals (issues of distrust to say the least)- prejudice is a part of the job. It is this instincts, to see a “fuckin nigger” as a dealer or the “tattooed shit” as a gang member or a “red skirt bitch” as a whore that makes one a “good” cop.
c). The power trip- they Are the law. Any sort of disobedience is a crime in it self and even can get you killed. A policeman knows, that he (she?) has a right to kill a person for as little as not putting up his/her hands behind his/her head within under 5 seconds. Doctors, especially sergeants, are said to get the “god`s complex”. Basically a type of superiority psychosis. Times 10-and you have a cop.
d). Getting away with murder – believe it or not it has happened and will happen regularly. Yes- even in Sweden.
e). They are the brotherhood with the “us” against “them” mentality, very similar to the organized crime. These are not my words, but of the several psychologist, saying that the criminals and the police have a very similar mentality.
f). Daily temptation – you are offered bribes, combined with the general disillusionment when it comes to crime fighting (you fight them, jail them, bust them- but they are just getting stronger in numbers)
g). Just that- the great disillusionment: what`s the point? Maybe that is why the police work has become so cynical, according to statistics: only 30% of the crimes are ever solved, despite the fact that the”good face” statistics are kept up by busting marijuana smoking teenagers, prostitutes and wasted petty thieves.
Instead of the guys, who smuggle in tons of dope, sell foreign girls per kilo or rob the banks as if for the candies. In other words- 3% is a more trustworthy number, when it comes to solving the actual crimes.
What do you think? I hope at least you get my point. I don`t hate cops as I don`t hate the criminals- for me they are generally one and the same and I still meet them and judge them from person to person. Still- at least the criminals are often more honest. I had a Robin Hood complex once-stripping, rebuilding and re-selling the stolen office computers cheaply, while many of the heavy duty criminals turn to god, without ”changing their ways”. Still- at least I didn`t get paid to ”serve and protect”.
Swedish police force is one of the most expensive in the world and it constantly craves more resources. G.W.Bush got his billions of dollars using the terrorism hysteria.
Police in Sweden (probably everywhere else also) uses the multimedia as the “false flag operations” pole. Open the world`s biggest news paper: “Metro”. Majority of it consists of the simple idea, repeated daily, page after page: “people are evil”. Pedophiles, rapists, murderers, thieves, cone-artists. We are self left to come to the conclusion: we need more police! Pedophile and the internet has become imprinted in the common psyche, while the truth is, that the word “church” or “priest” should hang closer together, than the www and this exceptional pervertion. If you were to trust the numbers.
It was almost a Freudian slip, when a Swedish professor of criminology admitted, that actually the number of heavy crimes has not risen significantly (not more that would be expected with a 20% population increase) in decades. People kill and rape each other about as often as they did in the 50-es.
(I wrote a piece on the statistic as being the most manipulative pseudo-science ever- if you want to dig through the archives.
All in all- this is why I don`t trust the police and the yellow press.
The very few times I`ve been a victim of a crime, was as the life`s great truths proclaimes: “you live by the gun- you die by the gun” or for you , more metaphysically inclined: “what goes around, comes around”. Even the times I was completely innocent- the thought of asking the police for help has never crossed my mind.
My only brother was murdered… Well- I will shut up now: to honor his memory, by not making it a case in point. Except for those of you, who would say:
“huh- where would you go if your dearest and nearest was murdered?” -Certainly not to the police.
-“There are good cops!” – I`ve heard and I agree. There are good killers also. But as I`ve mentioned- the first ones are getting paid to be good, while the others choose to get paid to be “bad”.
As with anything in this blog- I am not trying to make an anarchist out of you, I just hope that you may give it a thought.
The way to sobriety is neither straight, nor is it short and while climbing this mountain, you should expect a few things. (Don`t get pissed. In neither meaning of the word) If you are anything like I was or any other dope head.
You are/were a Liar. Your excuses may include:
a) -you are an asshole
b) -you feel that you must adapt to the world, because otherwise it won`t except your wasted ass. “Hi, I`m high!” is simply unacceptable.
c) In other words: both legal and social reasons are at stake, so you are forced to lie and while I would never steal a paper clip from a job- lying about drugs was a whole other story.
d) You have to spare your mother`s or girlfriend`s or child`s feelings. Anyhow- from your perspective it`s not as bad and you are probably missunderstood: “they just don`t get it”.
e) You believe your own lies. Self delusion is a huge part of drug abuse and it even has a whole life philosophy attached to it. Basically: who is to say what The Truth is?
f) Whatever makes you feel alright and doesn`t hurt others… Works if you drop an occasional E or smoke a holiday doobie. However that`s the difference between using and abusing and this blog is mostly about abusing.
Lying may have many more other reasons, but it`s basically about avoiding the truth. Deep, huh?
Something one often becomes truly skillful at. You may also be excellent at keeping up the appearances- anything from the personal hygiene to punctuality, from having a smile on your face, while dying inside, to doing an excellent job at work, while being at the edge of collapse. Such as was the case when I was a truck driver.
I was so good at deception, that my own mother had no idea, that my biggest worries were not the sinking grades at the physics and math, but that I was running out of the places to stick the meth-loaded syringe into.
As such (a professional liar) you may expect not to be trusted. Of course! ”Never trust a junkie” is one of the life`s “grand” lessons. I don`t agree with it- or rather not more or less than with ”never trust a cop, a whore, a gipsy, a communist or a.. (you fill in) .
Don`t get mad- get even though: every time ”they” suspect” you and you prove them wrong- you get the winner`s mild sense of satisfaction. It would all be peachy-galore (with all the self gratification through proving others suspicions to be ungrounded), except for what I call the ”microscope effect”.
I had a ”junior microscope set” as a kid with the glass slides, which one was to put the samples on. When adjusting the focus with the side wheel, one sometimes lowered the microscope`s lens too close to the fragile slide.
Making it crack.
Going through the motions of the rehabilitations ` system I found the rules to be quite simple. Don`t get high and don`t get drunk or- one and the same: “don`t get wasted”. Eventually you will win more and more of the trust and the respect and will get a chance of becoming ”one of them”. By that time this great division, this split of us and them may gradually fade away, thus making you simply a man or a woman. Neither ”normal”, nor an ”x-junkie”- just a human.
The simple bit ends there.
Have you ever been looked in the eyes and asked compassionately: ”How are you?” Not the courtesy `s ”how `r ya?”, but an in depth, analytical ”How are you? (Really? No- really? Behind all ”that” Drop the b.s. Come on! Really: who are you trying to fool?”), under the breath.
A type of grave digging enquiry that has no happy resolve, whether one reaches the bottom or hits the hard concrete. ”Fine, thank you” is just not bad enough when one is a recovering addict under a close observation.
Being an optimist and a generally positive guy, after quitting drugs, I got an overwhelming energy kick on top of my stand-by joyful post suicidal persona. My superiors, assistants, therapists and the army of the personnel at the places I lived could only interpret it as:
a). I`m high
b). I`m faking either way, pretending or hiding something
c). My energetic exterior is an expression of the inner stress. Inability to do simply nothing (take a 1 hour lunch break or a 40 minutes coffee pause) is a way of escapism, where I am running from myself and the inner demons, by constantly cleaning, washing, organizing, taking a smoke etc.
”No; I AM fine! ” is an answer that echoed through the corridors of the mental institutions throughout the modern history. When one is proclaimed insane or an addict, one may find one’s self in the situation, where there is no correct answer.
”Fine”- implies that you are delusional and/or in denial
”OK”- melancholic, depressed, indifferent, unresponsive. Poker faced.
Of course there is the crying: the ”admition” of one’s ”true” feelings, which is generally considered to be somewhat of a breakthrough. However a breakthrough of the kind is only a first tiny step in the right direction out of the hellish maze one is expected to have gotten lost in, through the years of the drug abuse.
Who knows- maybe I am deluding myself, thinking and feeling fine? Maybe I have managed to avoid the self examination, the fruits of which are bitter and sour and should wipe that smile right off my face. Until then- I am fine being fine. After all- we are all living in some degree of denial, avoidance and illusion. Must we all scratch and break the surface until it bleeds? Who is to say that “the only gain is in pain? “ Well… actually the same people, who may say “never trust a junkie”.
”Time heals all wounds” could be applied here. However frustrating it may be: don`t crack, like that slide under the too close inspection is my simpleton`s advice. Even those, who are trained to zoom in on the drop of blood, may someday get tired of it and trust your smile.
Until then the expectations of others may be a powerful killjoy. Even when you are feeling grand and everything is peachy galore- if someone expects it to be a mask, behind which the true pain resides: when confronted, you will most probably step down a notch towards the depression.
If someone expects you to be high- everything becomes a sign of you being just that. Size of your pupils (small: opiates, large: CNS, amphetamines. Reddish eyes, “dead fish” eyes, glancing, starring, watering, blinking, jerking may in turn mean: cannabis, benzo, GHB, and so on) That is only regarding your peepers! While all of the abovementioned symptoms may be a result of sleep deprivation, too much coffee or even strong emotions…
There is also the rest of your body as well as your voice or the behavior in general. Once you slip into seeing yourself through the ” microscope” you are likely to start behaving accordingly. Being overly self aware will make you act unnaturally, thus confirming the observer`s suspicions. Catch 22 at its best! The only way to break this vicious circle is by proving them wrong with the hard chemical evidence. A clean urine test. One would imagine…
I don`t want to seem like I am bitching, because I am not. I know when I feel sorry for myself and this is not the case. I am however pondering over the rules of conduct and the ways of the rehabilitation process.
YES- stay clean and it will all be all right! Still, I have gotten so many bruises on the way (some truly deserved and a few that felt like an “addictizm”- read racism for the addicts). A few examples:
1. Alexei has been positive for the synthetic heroine in over a month.- Later showed to be a mistake in the bookkeeping . Considering that my name is close to impossible to mistake for some ones else`s, I believe this slump to be the “bluff tactics”. If one is suspected of taking some sort of narcotics, yet it does not show as a positive in the tests- the idea is to accuse a person, expecting a confession. It worked wonders! Despite knowing, that I have not taken any heroine in ages, I have admitted to doing so.
I reasoned: there is no idea of denying any test results, because the plastic card/stick with chemicals, that is deepened into the urine is hundred times more trust worthy that I am. No sarcasm intended. So whichever the result may be- “they” will consider it as a fact, which one may later choose to deny (thus lie) or to admit (thus honestly seek help), when it comes to “their” evaluation.
“Experience is the name we give to our mistakes”, said Oscar Wild. Very true, when it comes to the life under the microscope with a litmus paper up ones ass.
According to the WWW (if you choose to believe it or not- look it up)- one out of four (25%) of the standard urine tests give false readings in one way or another. It does not always mean that you will get busted for heroine, while you only took coke; still there is a multitude of variables. Certain foods or medications can give false positives. Cross contamination is possible. “Rebounds’” positives (when a drug that has been taken several months ago, such as cannabis, can pop out of your fat tissue) and so on. Here I would have to agree that as they say “one time is no time”, yet you can`t be so unlucky as to get the false positives every second week.
2. Alexei is positive on Methamphetamine. –Showed out that it was the gastric prescription-free medication that I took. It does not mean that the pills contained any traces of the meth, yet as the result of some peculiar body chemistry, combined with the chemicals in the testing “stick”- it has turned water into wine. By the way; for all you darling skeptics out there: take a couple of the “Inside” pills and take a piss test an hour later. Works with everyone, yet still is not a common knowledge, even amongst the hardcore testers and the testis .
3. Alexei is cheating on his tests- the urine shows to be containing way too much water and too little of the piss itself (carotene, I believe is the correct term) implying, that I was drinking extreme amounts of water or alcohol to blend it out, making the traces of the eventual narcotics too diluted to be detectable. Turned out that I was drinking too much coffee.
4. Alexei was suspended from his last communal apartment for smoking. - True; guilty as charged. I was warned several times, yet I smoked anyway. Point in it all being that later, when the matter was discussed amongst my caretakers, assistants, chiefs and bosses- a small detail has slipped in: Alexei lost the room for smoking and drinking alcohol. Because I am an alcoholic and I am expected to drink . I am an alcoholic, but the point I`m driving in these expectations matters is that one has to expect such as an addict. Just deal with it.
5. I got kicked out from the rehab for picking the psychedelic `shrooms out in the field. Technically I never had them with me in the rehab (got picked myself out in the field by my therapist), neither have I taken any. Another point: as an x-junkie, don`t go after technicalities: you may drive yourself insane.
I did not break any rules of the rehab: no drugs on the premises, never being under the influence. Still in the official report it stated: suspended for using illicit drugs in the rehabilitation center.
There are many more cases of my being unjustly punished or suspected, while being innocent. Some heavy and depressing, others ridiculous and funny. (The house nurse was standing in front of me, sniffing my urine) However there are many cases of me being guilty as hell and getting off free, so all in all- it has all evened out, more or less, one may say. Maybe “less”, as I was accused 6 times in a row, being guilty once and admitting to it.
One can take a relapse and get away with it. Maybe even two or three times in a row, however it never works in the long run. Either you are on with the program or not- one or the other will show itself.
So I thought…
Here was I: sober, doing my trainee job with all my might…
Transitionally I live in a communal home for the sober alcoholics and x- junkies. It happened to be a very Christian place. So much so, that in the toiled, there are golden plastic angels, glued to the walls, above the paper wall border line of the ”Jesus fishes”. The text under the chariots states something like ”Angels rejoice for every soul that is saved”. Right in front of the actual toilet sit- something to think about, while you go number two. I took a permanent marker and wrote in calligraphy:
“He watches you shit, Shame not my son! For thee crap shall not be saved as you shall be! ”.Markus 8.09 Nothing I am proud of, but here is why I am mentioning it, besides describing the overly Christian nature of the place. You are all familiar with the deadly sins, I am sure: don`t kill, don`t fuck, don`t desire your neighbors’ goat etc. The list had to be adjusted and updated: it is no longer alright to castrate a 12 year old boy and sodomise/rape him as you pleased, while watching porr over the net may have become a new millenniums` issue. Anyhow: the new version of the tickets to hell, according to Vatican contains amongst others: “selling drugs without taking them- dealing without being an addict; for the cash only”. The gods morals law that would put every other private doctor into one of the hot spots down there, but overlooking the technicalities- I agree: it`s not nice to consciously sell something that one considers to be too poisonous/destructive for one’s self. Like a Mc Bacon with cheese or a 45 caliber revolver.
I will probably dedicate a whole new chapter to this new level of moral hypocrisy, courtesy of the pope and the gang. For now though, I just thought to tell you about today, when I was accused of committing just that: the neo-deadly sin.(N:5) The day went like this:
…I came back to the place around three o’clock. Having mind numbing tooth ache for over a week, I tried to soften the agony by using a popular mouthwash. As a recovering addict, I am not allowed any “real” painkillers. The Listerin promised to solve every tooth related problem with a rinse and a spit. What the advertisement did not mention was that it contains 20% pure alcohol. In other words- about half of the bottle is vodka. Something that can be a problem, when one struggles to prove ones complete sobriety. As I entered the house, I`ve landed in the middle of the man hunt:
I`ve been put through the 9 circles:
1. Blow job (alcohol test): the gadget used by them is about 1/10 of the size of the one used by the police at the traffic stops. It has about as much accuracy, which is openly stated in the manual: ”it cannot be used as a juridical (reliable) test and only gives an approximation of the alcohol amount …” In other words it`s a plus/minus something. Last time I showed 3,5 p.m. – a number that would knock me unconscious, while 4,0 is considered to be generally deadly. They had to admit however, that not only did I not smell of the alcohol, but I by and large gave the impression of being completely sober. Today it went the same way. Almost: I did not smell of alcohol. I did not conduct myself in any way that may point to my being under the (an) influence. The time was 15 hours, which meant that I came almost directly from work . Yet the hunt was on…
2. Agreeing, that the Listerine may be responsible, I was asked to show the bottle. Point being- I lied about taking it, so I didn`t have it on me. I did show it.
3. I was asked then to show the contents of my bag, expecting it to hide the booze. I had to do it myself, since according to the residual privacy laws, a private people still cannot search each other’s property as they desire. Apparently they can ask each other to search themselves though.
4. I went up to my room and a few seconds later got a visit from one of the stuffs` members. He glanced at my locker and asked nicely if I had a key to it. I`ve performed a self-search yet again, opening the small plastic and cardboard boxes and bags inside with a smile, still being unaware of the grounds to these inspections.
5. The talk: There were two of them waiting- the nurse and the housekeeper for the day.
–Alexei… We have now heard 3 times from different sources that you are selling the synthetic heroine (Subutex) on the premises.
-Pardon?! You are aware that I have to leave 2 urine tests per week, so I hardly can be doing any drugs. Specially with my daily trainee job…
- Yes, Alexei, but we don`t mean that you take the drugs yourself- just that you are dealing. You can imagine how we look upon it.
-You are against it, I presume…- said with a slight smile. I knew that it was not only the wrong time to try to joke, but truly the wrong folks. I just couldn`t find anything better to respond with.
Or should have I explained that the 6Mg of the poor quality synthetic heroine (Subuxon) or its` French 8Mg superior relative are both prescription drugs, closely monitored by the medical stuff and can only be bought for a private use from someone, who is selling his/her own daily dose. One, maximum three pills. This was truly not a drug to be dealing or profiting on, unless one gets it prescribed and since I was not one on the Subutex program- I could not be selling it by any wheeling and dealings` logistics.
There was I- accused of something , that in their peeping Christian eyes stood on the same line with murder, human trafficking/slavery and torture.
Still- not least bit offended, considering the above mentioned perks of being a recovering dope head, I somewhat wondered if this was yet another form of the “bluff` n cuff” method.
3 people, according to them have reported me as being the Subutex dealer. Having stayed in the house for only a month, I only have spoken to 3 people altogether. One of them I knew by name. All of them were using and holding stuff daily, but none have even asked me if I knew someone who could sell something. So… obviously this was another bluff. This time however it was so beyond absurd that I just couldn`t be bothered to be bothered.
-May I go?
6. -Sure, but first you have to leave a urine test.
-I did it yesterday latest, but sure.
A few minutes later, under a watchful eye of the elderly nurse, I produced my member and went number one in a plastic cup.
7. Alexei? - It`s not that warm…
- Now I was dumbstruck for real. I knew what she implied: basically that I have bought one of the 170$ rubber hollow dildos, filled it up with a clean sample and fooled the system by milking it in front of her. Presumably I had it strapped on 24/7, just for such a pop quiz as this one. The idea way too ridiculous even for my twisted mind, so I asked:
-Too cold?! Does it mean that I am sick?
-Njeeeaa… well… you see- some people try to fool us by using other people`s urine. You see, Alexei: I have been around for quite a while, so I am aware of these kinds of things, she said while actually sniffing my piss up close. For a moment it looked as if she was going to take a clunk.
-Ok, madam . Shall I produce one more sample? This time you are welcome to observe even closer: I do have one more left in me, if so needed.
She didn`t answer, but asked me to follow her and wait for the results of the test.
8. Cool as a cucumber I followed to her office and watched her stopping a plastic analysis card into the yellow smellow.
-Well… Do you take any benzodiazepines?
-No. I don`t and I haven`t.
-Aw… this must be from your last hospital visit. (I did have my broken nose fixed). So this is all right. No problem there!
-Ok, sure. I went on with it, despite knowing, that we were both aware that the operation was for almost a week ago and the mentioned drug goes out of the body within 3 days. Moreover I did not receive a
Pirate” industry”* or the file sharing is a theme very close to my heart and a topic, which should consern absolutely every one, who thinks of the freedom as something more than just an abstract idea.
Not just something that our forefathers have fought for and won, but what is an ongoing struggle. I grew up in a dictatorship and I am somewhat familiar with the tricks of the trade.
I got my 28, 8 Kb/sec. dial up modem in the beginning of the 90-es. The very first search on the Alta-Vista that I made were the 3 letters: xxx. It was the hunt itself, that was the point, since the pornography was not what I was after. I wanted to become a club member. Something that was worth 25$/month, according to them. Almost immediately I`ve figured out that there were ways to crack a password and get an account for free. That was the whole point- Anarchy on line. Wild Wild West, where nothing and everything was legal. And as I believed- rules are there to be broken.
I`ve moved over to the games and music the next day, however I`ve learned a valuble lesson about the very nature of the internet through the tripple x. Pornography is not exactly the same thing as the rest of the entertainment industry, but it is a fantastic example of how something that can be given away for free can still be profitable. The new and free XXX video pages still make money by selling the very videos that they are giving away for free: instead of the 15 minutes clip one gets a high definition full DVD, at the same time as they are offering the sex oriented dating services and some other advertisements. Many will probably get “satisfied” with a couple of the free clips, but I am sure there are hundreds of thousands of the enthusiasts, who will gladly pay a pretty penny for a girl or a guy of their dreams executing their fantasies. At the same time, people, who cannot afford to buy DVDs of any sorts, are not lost as the potential customers. Still they become virtual flyers- spreading the word of this awesome page or a DVD.
I am mentioning this as a functioning model, applicable to the entire entertainment industry. 99% of the people, who download pirated videos and music are those, who would not spent 20$ for a movie or a music CD anyway. However the file sharing allows them to participate and enjoy the modern culture and knowledge, at the same level as the people with a decent income, thus making them movie/music lovers and the potential customers. Alternatively they would never even hear the artists or see the movies, that they eventually may pay for, once they can afford it or at least spread the word of the gems of the industry. As did I. The majority of the “pirates” do have a few store bought originals of their favorites or pay for a concert/movie ticket or a hardcover book.
Who are the pirates? There are a few of myths and misconceptions. *”Pirate Industry”- misconception by the very definition. Pirate industry can be applied as a term to the 100.000`s of the almost exact copies of the DVDs and CD`s, sold at a fraction of the originals` cost. Thailand is famous for its pirate markets for example. However it has nothing to do with the teenagers sharing the files. Yet the IPRED law is not out to get those, who profit, selling the CDs- since the kids, who download the materials are not out to make money. Simply to recommend and share their favorite piece of culture as it has been done in one form or another since the printing press was invented. File-sharers do not make money by duplicating the downloaded films and games and selling them further. It could have been true at the very beginning, when the internet was available to a very few ones as well as the CD-burning hard and software. Yet even then the pirate`s customers were other kids, who would have to save a whole 1 or 2 months allowance to buy a single game So buying a “ripped” game (without animation clips or music) for 1/20th of the store price gave them a chance to test the games and being able to afford to participate in the gaming. Keeping up the interest in playing. By upgrading the hardware (video cards, memory chips, processors) they kept the industry ever growing, as well as encouraging the hardware corporations to produce ever faster computers. In other words- in my own experience: thanks to the gaming piracy we are now having the insanely fast computers and the whole industry is flourishing as it does.
Piracy nowadays is mostly not about saving money either: they would simply never see the movie or play a game or listen to an album or a book if not for the peer 2 peer file sharing. Overwhelming majority of the so called pirates are the teenagers, living on their parent’s allowances. The gaming industry is growing year after year, despite all of the games being available for the download. The reason is partially that the store bought High Def. DVDs have loads more to offer in a beautiful box: the instructions, the possibility to play online, the available game support, expansions, fixes for the bugs etc… And an awesome package. Or as the case with a friend of mine- a whole book collection, following the “World of Warcraft” games. However the “ripped” copies of the games, available to download, allow the kids to test out the product. Majority of the VERY expensive games are often mediocre and disappointing. On a parent`s allowance scale it is something like you spending 2 salaries on an none refundable product, that does not function. File sharing allows spending their precious pocket money only on the sure thing, while keeping the gaming industry on their toes, striving to be the best. Good games make more money than the biggest of the Hollywood films, while the crappy ones can`t as easily get away with a flashy video clip or a few minutes of trial version. This, I suspect is actually true even for the music and the movie industry.
The piracy may have hit the sales of the moguls of the industry, who rely on pushing a mediocre quality product with the flashy ads and the carefully chosen clips. However the piracy has made the business a lot more fare in a socialist kind of way: now any artist has the same chance of being heard/seen and evaluated by the consumer. The small “indie” producers have a chance at becoming immensely popular, due to the fact that their product is being heard/seen for free first. The best advertisement is still the mouth to mouth or peer to peer as is the case with file sharing. I`ve paid 25$ to see my favorite film twice in the movie theater and I will pay another 15$ to have the original DVD with the extra material and the superior quality. The film, and the brilliant director of whom I would never even have heard if not for the file sharing. Some of the greatest talent is not in the Hollywood or the monster record labels, but in the small studios, lacking the ”in your face” marketing. Piracy became the vehicle of democratizing the culture and making it of a higher quality. The absolute majority of the pirates would pay for the CDs and the DVDs if they could afford them. With one condition: they don`t want to pay for the shit, being fooled by the glam and glitter of the expensive promotions and being disappointed time and time again. 90% of what people pay for when it comes to the entertainment industry is disappointing and they more often than not feel ripped off. You went and bought a CD from a new band, after you`ve heard a catchy tune on the radio/TV: usually the rest of the CD turns out to be worthless. The same with the movies: how often an advertisement reflected your expectations: how often you were disappointed? More often than not, I would guess. Clever promoting can describe anything and everything as desirable: from the producers of… the man, who played in the… the band that opens for… the winners of… the triple nominees… the receiver of the 5 stars… Piracy allows for a fair play.
As with any other merchandise- be it a piece of clothing or a fruit: file sharing allows you to touch the product, to feel it and to smell it, before deciding whether you like it enough to pay for it. Piracy should not be judged any harsher than sampling several kinds of cheese or ham and then deciding that you actually don`t like any of them and leaving the deli empty handed. When it comes to culture, any normal human (specially a teenage ”fan”) would donate an organ to his/her favorite artist. I shouldn`t really have been able to afford paying those money to see my favorite movie twice. Still, there is this strong feeling of solidarity; the desire to show appreciation for the artist, whose music almost made you cry or a director, whose film has changed your life. Their art is so important to you, that you would generously donate what you can to keep them producing. Moreover- I am sure it`s true for the majority: if you had huge amounts of cash: you would probably sponsor a new album or a movie with a few hundred thousand $. There is the point however: I wouldn`t sponsor anything from the Disney corp. They are doing just fine as it is, still they are the ones sewing the teenagers: Fox, Universal, and Disney etc- not the independent low budget ones. Peculiar, wouldn`t you agree? What are the great corporations so worried about is seemingly this very democratization of the culture and knowledge. They are not fighting for the rights of the small garage bands and DJs or the directors, who produce their masterpieces with a hand held cameras. They are fighting for those artists and actors, who are already making millions (!) of dollars, (despite the piracy), for a few days/weeks of the enjoyable work. The rights that are being fought for are those of the people who make absolutely insane amounts of money. Then there is a small matter of concerts, when it comes to the musicians. You would never hear a small band complaining about the file sharing- because for them it is the best advertisement they can afford, which allows them to be heard and attracts folks to their live acts.
PIRACY= DEMOCRATISATION of the culture and of the knowledge. As once the books were a privilege of the rich elite, so is a collection of the Blue ray discs is today. Piracy allows the artists to make money not because they have an extra 5000000 $ to invest in a promotion of the various quality product, but because they truly have a talent, according to the kids talking to each other, instead of listening to what is called “cool” or get played allot.
THE LAW AND WHY TO BREAK IT
The IPRED- International Property Rights Enforcement Directive, the law that was enforced on the 1st of April 2009 by the private multimedia corporations that basically proclaimed 1/3 of the teenagers as criminals. An EXTREMELY dangerous and counterproductive move! Let’s however imagine that in some sick screwed up universe it has worked:
1. The multimedia corporations will not gain a single penny due to its success. Those who can`t afford 20$ for a CD won`t start buying them because they are threatened by the law.
2. If the piracy would magically stop, thanks to this law: the corporations will actually lose money, thanks to it, since the multimedia will no longer be available to the majority of the most important consumers: the youth. It will become an exclusively rich ones domain: those who can afford to buy 300$ worth of CDs/month and then throw over half away, after discovering that it`s just crap, not measuring up to the promise.
3. The culture itself will lose in its quality. Sadly- what sells is often simply shit. Produced by the exclusive teams of the executives, who are appealing to the most basic and primitive of the instincts, such as sex and violence, trusting that it is what sells.
4. International cultural exchange will take an enormous blow as well as the true exchange of talent.
5. If there is such a thing as a professional pirates- they will be unaffected by the law. Already there are ways of encryption/ making ones IP-address unavailable, if one was to have a 50Mb/sec connection and 15 computers, burning CDs 24/7- those are the people, who easily can make themselves untouchable.
6. Majority of the people, who will get ”busted” will be the parents of the teens, since it`s the parents who are almost always stand for the internet connection account and the IP address. Also there will be a tsunami of the cases, where people`s IP`s were stolen, hacked or as the case with the wireless internet- used by others anonymously. Universal’s representative in the IPRED lobbying confirmed in a recent interview that both of the cases as very the plausible- in other words: yes- basically the innocent people will get charged with breaking the IPRED law left and right.
7. One shall be EXTREMELY careful when prohibiting anything: more often than not it`s counterproductive. The ”crime” always goes deeper underground and becomes more hardcore. While proclaiming a whole generation as criminals gives them that extraordinary feeling of unity, solidarity- being ”us against them”. They did not know what the real pirate was- now they will see. Because now it`s WAR and going to war against your own sons and dotters is never a good idea.
8. File sharing is the natural progression (as was in the case with the pornography). Stalling the development is also counterproductive. The majority of the ”pirates” would gladly pay a part of their allowance to support their favorite artist or a director. Just for the solidarity`s sake. Yet they have to be met half way: not being brain washed by the commercials and then ripped off their pennies for a substandard product, but being allowed to taste the merchandise and then pay a reasonable price for what they consider to be the best. A teen would pay 40$ for a T-Shirt, worth 2 $ to produce, they will happily part with their 20$ of the pocket money for a poster or 50$ for a concert ticket. There is nothing like the teenage love of a fan.
9. “Give them a finger and they will take an arm”. A phrase that is very true when it comes to the laws of the control, money and prohibition. What few may care to realise is that by not fighting against the IPRED, we are giving them the right to fully watch over the internet communication. You may say: it`s all good, because more pedophiles will get busted. Well: the truth they will not get busted any more or less. Internet is not more responcible for paedofililia, than than postal service is for the drug addiction.
The government, whose purpose is to protect the rights and the interests of the citizens has sold out the right to watch over the internet communication to the few multibillion private corporation, going against the private citizen`s interests, to ensure, that those who make many millions will continue to do so. While those who can`t afford 20$ for a CD can now be sewed for 45000$. At the political” debate” there was not a single anti- IPRED representative invited. The deal was made without any voting. You may think that it does not concern you, since you are a law abiding member of the society. I will not go into the details right now, but having grown up in the USSR: trust me: IPRED is one of the most sinister laws in the modern democracy`s history and it has been approved without anyone asking for your opinion. Your government has sold your children`s interests for the monetary interests of the ultra rich. You think that your kid is law abiding and so are you, thus there is nothing to worry about. Think again. It is not about downloading a few songs, it`s not even about stupefying, packaging, mass-producing and selling the culture under the supervision of the few corporations. It is about your very freedom. Dramatic? I am sure it sound so now, however give me 2-3 years and you will see what I mean. 10. Internet. The greatest tool in humanity’s development, perhaps since the invention of the written word.
All due to its` one unique quality: it`s FREE in the most noble sense of the word. It`s by the people for the people. It has its` ugly sides, reflecting the human nature in all its glory and its pity. It was growing, constantly changing- surprising an ”Funny thing”: Since I`ve published this piece, my net connection has been strangled down to a few kilobytes, while my visitors counter on this blog has been on a permanent zero since, even though I`ve logged in to it from different computers. No reason to get paranoid, right? The guy, who has done nothing more, but allowed his domain to be used. Yes: a dot there. He has never spread any copyrighted material, neither has he encouraged it, nor has he benefited from it as much as you may led to believe. The guy got a year in prison, plus 30.000.000 kr (a new Volvo costs 200.000). For selling cocaine, cannabis, amphetamine and benzo- I got 8 months. For a rape or beating your girlfriend half to death you may get with less. Wake the fuck up! It is not about the file sharing teens; it is about the mind control, the big brother, the G. Orwell`s 1984. Now we are at the stage when we are brainwashing ourselves: to maintain freedom we must sacrifice the liberty kind of thing.
We shall actually fight to be enslaved- motivated and united by an invisible enemy we shall be turn on our selves. I don`t mean the word “shal” as a prophetic pretext, since it is already happening. In USA it`s the terrorists, in Europe it`s the pirates and paedophiles and human traffickers that are moulding the keys to lock our cells.
Any dictatorship have always been afraid of educated ones like of nothing else. So- just read on the issues, watch some documentaries, listen to some smart people, before drawing a conclusion.
Think. Please.
I proclaim myself as being burned out on a regular basis, when it comes to writing. At times I even forget that the point of this blog is not all the fame and fortune, but killing time. Stabbing it repeatedly one finger at a time.
Big up to a doctor from the rehab I`ve been to; he said: “Don`t ever stop writing. Then he quoted the lead singer of one of the world`s biggest bands, who said, that he is done: every song has been written and he is running on empty. That was somewhere in the beginning of his 25 years long career. After that he has sold more CDs than there are people in Sweden.
New chapter ideas strike me as an association to something I hear or see on a daily basis. ”Oh, wow! This was so true! I should write it down, but I don`t have to, since it`s so insightful- it cannot be forgotten. It can and it always is.
Not so long time ago I used to write several pages of mind blowing shit, wondering how many backups I should make to exclude any chance in the world of those gems disappearing. Next morning just to be hit by an intense anxiety: ”what the hell did I write?! What was I thinking? Please let there be a www. crash, so that it`s all gone before anyone had a chance to read it…
Another aspect of it all is the fact that I am basically putting out the things that I wouldn`t even tell a cop or a saint. In a written form, available to anyone. What if I decide to become a politician or sell my soul in some other way? I guess this is a good way to secure that it will never happen.
I`ve threatened my audience with quitting, unless they grow in numbers and/or show some appreciation… It won`t happen. I will continue until I die. Or worse.
Till soon.
-Do you want to swap our teeth? Just for tonight. I never liked my grinders that much. Do you think she would notice if I get your pearliers?
-You have to be more assertive. You are doubting too much. She is not for everybody- you have to be sure. You cannot doubt her- there is no going back. You won`t be able to live without her. Not after you`ve been with her.
-Who the fuck are you by the way? And why are you whispering? No one can hear you- you know that. You are beginning to worry me. I liked you better when you sat silent and not as close.
-Pay attention!!!- the uttered in his mind phrase felt like an explosion.
Where was I…? Oh yeah- I think she liked you- the way she smelled… Her tattoos… Her blond hair… This doesn`t happen overnight, you know. Not in this humidity.
-No, really: who the hell are you?
-Have another one; it will refresh your memory.
- I still know that you are not real.
-If I wasn`t- could I do this? –The square root of the diagonal equals the summ of the length of the two opposite sides, divided by 2. I bet you didn`t know that.
- Maybe I just forgot.
-Check.
-Ok, I trust you.
-Your mind is too lazy for your own safety.
-What would it change if I`ve proved you wrong? You would still be sitting here.
- I know how to find her.
-Well, so do I then. I need to sleep.
-If you sleep now- I won`t be here when you wake up and you will never remember her name.
-I`m too tired to give a damn.
-Dietholaproxidfermenzoidoetheropiochloride.
- Diet. I`ll see you in a few days.
The new day to kill trespassed into his room, illuminating all the filth and misery he accumulated around him over the years. He tried to cover his eyes with the grayish pillow, but it was too late- the cortisone, as an unstoppable alarm, was dragging him out of the cozy darkness into the unforgiving light. Looking around to find any tangible evidence of the past night`s meeting was useless, but it did yield a ball of wrapped in a foil grass. Rolling a joint would be nicer, but hands were shaking too much to perform a decent job. He emptied the ashes from the water bong`s cup into the beer can and filled it with weed without mixing it with the tobacco. Better for health this way, he noted sarcastically. The water in the bong was beige with brown oily drops of tar, floating on the top. I wonder if one can smoke them. Actually he has tried. Many did.
Before he even exhaled, as a sledge hammer, the feeling of melting relaxation pinned him on to his back. He tried to balance the water pipe in his violently shaking hand, but dropped it. The familiar stench of the cannabis sledge products filled in the air around him. It will stay in there for weeks to come, but now he could start worrying about the bigger problem. The Diet. He knew too much about her for her to be a pure fantasy, yet it sounded too good to be true.
The perfect drug, that takes over ones brain chemistry as a symbiotic organism, feeding of the neurotransmitters and their chemistry, boosting the production of all the right signal substances, to keep the body and soul in a perpetual ecstasy,. Filtrating and suppressing all the stress, fear and pain, which were necessary, when the food had to be hunted and darkness was filled with predators, hungry for your flesh. Now, in the age of the microwaves and climate control they were redundant. It`s all about the balance- as soon as your body was to signal any physical or emotional discomfort- she would know to increase dopamine or suppress cortisone. With some regular medical checkups for a missed problem, one would never have to feel the pain of any sorts again. As for the things as anxiety or depression- they probably signal the need to change something in one`s life, but he didn`t need to be reminded of it this way- specially that his was where he chose to be.
Diet may only be a myth, but it was too advanced such, to be purely a product of his delirium. Suddenly he felt an empty feeling, As if there was a vacuum in his solar plexus, sucking all air out of his lungs. What if something goes wrong? What if she gets a taste for fear or physical pain? She would still keep him alive in a perpetual hell. There was no one to ask, except for the mystery figure from the last night. He noted to himself that thinking of the man without a face as if he was real was a sign of insanity, however the guy knew too much to be simply dismissed. He will have to ask him.
A?
Where am I? I need a fix…
